Stepping out onto my rotting wooden porch, a familiar feeling overcame me. A sensation I felt throughout my body. An organic, all knowing feeling of the truth in that moment.
I don’t usually make note of what exactly brings on this feeling. It’s not really all that important. I trust my instincts. The details dont really matter.
But this time I did take note…
The sky around me was a darker shade of blue, filled with puffy clouds. Both the sky and the clouds seemed closer to me than they had the day prior.
The air felt cool even though the sun was shining. Even though my favourite weather app told me it was 20 degrees C outside.
Autumn, my Friends! Autumn is in the air!
If you’re following along with me and my S.A.D journey/experience for yourself (and you’ve done your own research!) this is your reminder to start taking your micro dose ( .5 mg) of melatonin daily,( in the late afternoon) as soon as YOU feel Autumn in the air, wherever YOU live.
I’m excited to see if starting the melatonin micro dose now does me any greater good than it did last time. It sure helped me last night. I slept like the dead and woke up feeling less ugh than I have in the past four days.
What I’m trying to stave off are the three months of vile muck I go through every Fall when we lose the light. My wish, my fondest hope, my deepest desire is that by starting the melatonin as soon as I notice the light change from Summer to Fall, I will glide through the worst of it with a low grade soft depression as opposed to the hard angry kind.
I’ve given up all hope for a total cure. This is the way I am, because of where I live. Nothing short of moving to the Equator will cure me. ( An idea that has crossed my mind, believe you me!)
I won’t know if it’s worked until I’m out of the worst of it of course, and last time that didnt happen until mid November. Depression is an asshole that tricks you into thinking you’re just “fine” until you come out of it.
I scared myself last year. I’m >this< close to going to the Doc for meds which is something I don’t want to do hence this massive pre-emptive attack. ( I have a whole program planned) There is nothing wrong with meds, AT ALL. I just don’t want to take them. I’ve seen too many of my friends suffer from the wrong med or side effects and that has really turned me off them. BUT I will if things get unbearable. And if you decide to do that too, good for you! I hope you feel better.
For now though, I’ve got this experiment to keep me busy plus a few other tricks up my sleeve. I’ll continue to document my experience for those who need it. IN the meantime here’s a link, should this subject interest you!
The celebration of my birth month continues. Just about two more weeks left. June is just whipping by us!
It’s been fun! I’ve thrown all routine out the window. Unless I have an appointment… I do what I want. This usually means being outside in the garden. Either weeding or reading. Strangely I find both equally relaxing. Weeding is actually really fun AND I’m developing a wicked tan!
Palm Bay beverages are made in Vancouver, BC. My old stomping grounds! This was OK. Strong but quick passionfruit flavour, no raspberry that I could taste. Bit of a vodka-y after taste. Not the worst thing I’ve ever had but I probably wont buy them again.
I am IN LOVE with these earrings! They’re made out of flowers! And they are just so cool looking. The colour is out of this world. Krista is a really cool person too. I met her (and bought these) at a local craft show, here in Edmonton. You can check out her site HERE which I see is under maintence SO you can find her here, on ETSY
I’m a sucker for handmade soap. These four are all delicious smelling AND the one I’m using now- Sophisticated Hippie- lathers up really nicely. I can tell its made with quality ingredients because my skin feels so soft and clean after each use. Apple Island Naturals is also in BC and are run by nice people! Check them out HERE.
Isn’t this the cutest thing!? And given my current bird obsession, very appropriate! The eggs are such a vibrant teal and they’re opalescent…they glow against my skin. Handmade again, and the artisan was a lovely human. You can find her HERE. Tracey is in Calgary, AB.
Yes, that is a hamburger. My FAVOURITE hamburger, a Teen Burger from A&W 🙂 Nom Nom Nom
You can now find me on Instagram >>>over there, in the sidebar. Follow me, if you’re so inclined.
I hope your weekend is going great! Love & Squishy Hugs. ❤
The festivities started early, when we all went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, Miss. Sassafras’s dance recital and Mum’s visit!
On Saturday, my gift to myself were tickets to said dance recital and this glorious dinner:
On Sunday I went for an long walk and ended up at Chapters Indigo where I spent a good hour going through the wares. It felt so nice after two days and three weekends full of people, to be alone, doing my very own thing!
Monday’s gift was this little cube of deliciousness:
On Wednesday I went to MINISO and wandered around:
And then I had lunch at Popeyes!
Thrusday saw me paying off my library fines, nomming down this pretty confectionery:
and setting aside the time to watch Alone, on the History Channel. (Kind of bleak this year, although I did take special delight in seeing the dude who talked shit about people who talk to trees, being hauled off only four days in. I like to think that maybe the trees just didn’t like his nonsense…)
And Friday brings me to today, and this:
Its the perfect day for it too. Cool, windy and rainy. Exactly my jam! And with a good pile of books at the ready … I know what I’m doing all weekend! 🙂
This has been a great first birthday week! Giving presents to oneself every.single.day might seem totally self indulgent which is exactly the point! HA HA! AND it also reminds me to pause and take note of all the good around me. All the other things worth celebrating. This life I live, as it is.
What are you thankful for this week? What did you do, to celebrate another week of living?
You might not be able to tell at this present time but I have used to have a hard lacquered shell over my heart.
I grew it myself over the years in response to:
A. Being born a highly sensitive person.
B. Experiencing both ongoing and sudden trauma.
My hard shell has served me well. ( POETRY!) It was a necessary tool I used to protect myself. It gave me a feeling of power, control, comfort and safety.
It helped me as I built resilience and courage. It helped me as I cultivated my fierce sense of honesty, authenticity and integrity.
And then it started working against me and cut me off from intimacy and truth , truth. Connection and freedom.
It be like that sometimes.
Lucky for me, my hard shell was actually a fragile thing. It was smashed to the ground and shattered a few years ago.
That event left me shocked and reeling. Unable to hide. Exposed.
It was awful.
But it was also awesome because I kind of “levelled up” if you will. I grew exponentially within myself. Something that would have never happened had I been wearing that really tight and limiting shell.
I was forced to finally admit that I while, yes, I am still a bad ass. I am not all that tough. I actually do have feelings. LOTS OF THEM.
I have a very squishy heart. My insides are full of marshmallow fluff.
Most people saw through my tough act anyhow. I wasn’t really hiding anything. Mostly I just made a fool out of myself, ha ha.
I was as human as anybody else!
So, I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve had to learn how to show my heart, how to live through my heart and how to protect myself as needed, by other means. (Boundary setting and lots of self love)
This whole blog is an expression of living through my heart!
Being vulnerable still scares me of course and it still takes lots of work to stick with. That’s where really where my strength lies. That’s really where my toughness is. Because while my heart is soft and marshmellowy, while it’s squishy and silly, it is also stubborn and fierce and brave.
What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Is it easy for you? Do you cringe too? What does vulnerability mean to you?
” I am not going into Autumn this year without a pair of f*cking sweatpants!” are words I actually yelled not so long ago.
I have no idea. Well, I mean I know why I want sweatpants. I don’t know why I was so fired up about the whole thing.
I tend to do that.
Obviously I was seeking comfort. ANd now that I think about it…I haven’t had a pair of sweatpants since 2010.
That IS a good reason to get all fired up!
I love sweatpants! Why am I denying myself so?!
It’s just not right.
The last pair of sweats I owned were pants of mystical proprortions.
I bought them in a crappy Zellers during a big scary move in the middle of a menstration emergency.
They were cheap.
They were in the men’s section.
They were huge.
They were soft and fuzzy.
They were an ugly shade of brown.
I was a desperate, bloodied woman.
They would do.
Those vile pants ended up being a the BEST PAIR OF PANTS I’d ever owned.
I am not kidding. I don’t know it was my mental state at the time or if someone put a magic spell of love, peace and comfort on them but those pants were like one giant security blanket in my life.
They were always soft. They didn’t rub or pull or tug or ride up anywhere. They kept me warm. They were strong and lasted for eight years with heavy use. I was very sad when I had to throw them out, a victim of a snagging accident in an inconvenient location.
I don’t think I’ve ever been as comfortable since.
So the quest is on! I shall find my next favourite pants. I shall wear them. I shall be cozy!
Do you have a favourite piece of clothing? Tell me about it!
When I was going through a very bad thing a few years ago, it became very apparent to me and ALL OTHERS that I really needed to do some work on my self worth. Realizing I had it, cultivating more of it, and nurturing it every day, forever more.
People tried to explain it to me and for lots of reasons I just couldn’t get it. It wasn’t sinking in. The problem I believe is that I was looking at it from a logical view point and logic while nice, is not my usual go to method of existing in the world. I need magic and whimsy. I need metaphors and stories. I need imagery and symbolism.
So I struggled and struggled but I kept on trying. In my trying I had many conversations with the people in my life about the subject and one of them was life changing.
“It’s like this” my supervisor said to me. This supervisor being a very strong, confident person of imposing bearing ” I know that no matter what’s happening, I AM the BOSS.” Stretching her bulk up straighter and throwing her shoulders back she continued ” I am the Queen!” She laughed, tossing her hair back as she strutted around the room. ” And I treat myself as such! Always. Without exception. I also don’t allow others to treat me badly because I know that I.Am.The.Boss in my life”
This woman really identified with being a boss. So much so that she went a little overboard and could be extremely overbearing. But there was wisdom in her words. I would never be comfortable with calling myself “boss” even though that’s an apt description but queen…queen was something I could definitely use!
And use it I did. It took awhile and there were many more conversations about self worth and self love, many more discoveries, lessons and realizations but I finally GOT IT and now the word Queen has great meaning to me. It spawned the huge realization in me that I really do LOVE MYSELF. I really do TRUST MYSELF.
I am a dignified Queen. That became my core mantra and soothing balm for all things. I bought myself a crown ring …
and charm for my bracelet..
so I would never forget.
There’s a tattoo in the works to literally drill it into me, ha ha.
I have to tell you, the day my husband bought me this:
I felt like the lesson I learned and the progress I’d made was visible to others too. Yahoo!
Self love/worth is an on going thing. It’s the continuing relationship between you and you. It’s your most important relationship and I’m so grateful for the lessons I learned, even if they did come late, because…wow, I feel so much lighter in this world and very queenly 😉
Do you have a word that signifies your own self worth? Please share! And if you’re struggling please know that you really are a person of worth, no matter what, simply by being alive! ❤