Lunerday!

The celebration of my birth month continues. Just about two more weeks left. June is just whipping by us!

It’s been fun! I’ve thrown all routine out the window. Unless I have an appointment… I do what I want. This usually means being outside in the garden. Either weeding or reading. Strangely I find both equally relaxing. Weeding is actually really fun AND I’m developing a wicked tan!

Monday:

These were OK. Not as good as the Peek Freans version though.

Tuesday:

Palm Bay beverages are made in Vancouver, BC. My old stomping grounds! This was OK. Strong but quick passionfruit flavour, no raspberry that I could taste. Bit of a vodka-y after taste. Not the worst thing I’ve ever had but I probably wont buy them again.

Wednesday:

I am IN LOVE with these earrings! They’re made out of flowers! And they are just so cool looking. The colour is out of this world. Krista is a really cool person too. I met her (and bought these) at a local craft show, here in Edmonton. You can check out her site HERE which I see is under maintence SO you can find her here, on ETSY

Thursday:

I’m a sucker for handmade soap. These four are all delicious smelling AND the one I’m using now- Sophisticated Hippie- lathers up really nicely. I can tell its made with quality ingredients because my skin feels so soft and clean after each use. Apple Island Naturals is also in BC and are run by nice people! Check them out HERE.

Friday:

Isn’t this the cutest thing!? And given my current bird obsession, very appropriate! The eggs are such a vibrant teal and they’re opalescent…they glow against my skin. Handmade again, and the artisan was a lovely human. You can find her HERE. Tracey is in Calgary, AB.

Saturday:

Get in MY BELLY!

Yes, that is a hamburger. My FAVOURITE hamburger, a Teen Burger from A&W 🙂 Nom Nom Nom

You can now find me on Instagram >>>over there, in the sidebar. Follow me, if you’re so inclined.

I hope your weekend is going great! Love & Squishy Hugs. ❤

Lune 2019 This Week.

Lune-if you’re new here, Lune is a celebration of life , during my birth month- is going swimmingly!

The festivities started early, when we all went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, Miss. Sassafras’s dance recital and Mum’s visit!

On Saturday, my gift to myself were tickets to said dance recital and this glorious dinner:

There were vegetables too, Caesar Salad! Kickin it Old Skool!

On Sunday I went for an long walk and ended up at Chapters Indigo where I spent a good hour going through the wares. It felt so nice after two days and three weekends full of people, to be alone, doing my very own thing!

Monday’s gift was this little cube of deliciousness:

Tuesday:

Not cloudy and a little sweet for my tastes but still tasty and appreciated after a day in the garden.

On Wednesday I went to MINISO and wandered around:

And then I had lunch at Popeyes!

They make excellent chicken and fabulous Red Beans & Rice.

Thrusday saw me paying off my library fines, nomming down this pretty confectionery:

and setting aside the time to watch Alone, on the History Channel. (Kind of bleak this year, although I did take special delight in seeing the dude who talked shit about people who talk to trees, being hauled off only four days in. I like to think that maybe the trees just didn’t like his nonsense…)

And Friday brings me to today, and this:

YUM!!

Its the perfect day for it too. Cool, windy and rainy. Exactly my jam! And with a good pile of books at the ready … I know what I’m doing all weekend! 🙂

This has been a great first birthday week! Giving presents to oneself every.single.day might seem totally self indulgent which is exactly the point! HA HA! AND it also reminds me to pause and take note of all the good around me. All the other things worth celebrating. This life I live, as it is.

What are you thankful for this week? What did you do, to celebrate another week of living?

Love & Squishy Hugs!

V is for *Vulnerability. A-Z Challenge.

Gah! Just typing the word skeeves me out.

Vulnerability.

You might not be able to tell at this present time but I have used to have a hard lacquered shell over my heart.

I grew it myself over the years in response to:

A. Being born a highly sensitive person.

B. Experiencing both ongoing and sudden trauma.

My hard shell has served me well. ( POETRY!) It was a necessary tool I used to protect myself. It gave me a feeling of power, control, comfort and safety.

It helped me as I built resilience and courage. It helped me as I cultivated my fierce sense of honesty, authenticity and integrity.

And then it started working against me and cut me off from intimacy and truth , truth. Connection and freedom.

It be like that sometimes.

Lucky for me, my hard shell was actually a fragile thing. It was smashed to the ground and shattered a few years ago.

That event left me shocked and reeling. Unable to hide. Exposed.

Completely vulnerable.

It was awful.

But it was also awesome because I kind of “levelled up” if you will. I grew exponentially within myself. Something that would have never happened had I been wearing that really tight and limiting shell.

I was forced to finally admit that I while, yes, I am still a bad ass. I am not all that tough. I actually do have feelings. LOTS OF THEM.

I have a very squishy heart. My insides are full of marshmallow fluff.

YES!!!

Most people saw through my tough act anyhow. I wasn’t really hiding anything. Mostly I just made a fool out of myself, ha ha.

I was as human as anybody else!

So, I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve had to learn how to show my heart, how to live through my heart and how to protect myself as needed, by other means. (Boundary setting and lots of self love)

This whole blog is an expression of living through my heart!

Being vulnerable still scares me of course and it still takes lots of work to stick with. That’s where really where my strength lies. That’s really where my toughness is. Because while my heart is soft and marshmellowy, while it’s squishy and silly, it is also stubborn and fierce and brave.

My hero!

What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Is it easy for you? Do you cringe too? What does vulnerability mean to you?


S Is For *Sweatpants. A-Z Challenge.

” I am not going into Autumn this year without a pair of f*cking sweatpants!” are words I actually yelled not so long ago.

Why?

I have no idea. Well, I mean I know why I want sweatpants. I don’t know why I was so fired up about the whole thing.

I tend to do that.

Obviously I was seeking comfort. ANd now that I think about it…I haven’t had a pair of sweatpants since 2010.

That IS a good reason to get all fired up!

I love sweatpants! Why am I denying myself so?!

It’s just not right.

The last pair of sweats I owned were pants of mystical proprortions.

I bought them in a crappy Zellers during a big scary move in the middle of a menstration emergency.

They were cheap.

They were in the men’s section.

They were huge.

They were soft and fuzzy.

They were an ugly shade of brown.

I was a desperate, bloodied woman.

They would do.

Those vile pants ended up being a the BEST PAIR OF PANTS I’d ever owned.

I am not kidding. I don’t know it was my mental state at the time or if someone put a magic spell of love, peace and comfort on them but those pants were like one giant security blanket in my life.

They were always soft. They didn’t rub or pull or tug or ride up anywhere. They kept me warm. They were strong and lasted for eight years with heavy use. I was very sad when I had to throw them out, a victim of a snagging accident in an inconvenient location.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as comfortable since.

So the quest is on! I shall find my next favourite pants. I shall wear them. I shall be cozy!

Do you have a favourite piece of clothing? Tell me about it!


Q is for *Queen. A-Z Challenge.

When I was going through a very bad thing a few years ago, it became very apparent to me and ALL OTHERS that I really needed to do some work on my self worth. Realizing I had it, cultivating more of it, and nurturing it every day, forever more.

People tried to explain it to me and for lots of reasons I just couldn’t get it. It wasn’t sinking in. The problem I believe is that I was looking at it from a logical view point and logic while nice, is not my usual go to method of existing in the world. I need magic and whimsy. I need metaphors and stories. I need imagery and symbolism.

So I struggled and struggled but I kept on trying. In my trying I had many conversations with the people in my life about the subject and one of them was life changing.

“It’s like this” my supervisor said to me. This supervisor being a very strong, confident person of imposing bearing ” I know that no matter what’s happening, I AM the BOSS.” Stretching her bulk up straighter and throwing her shoulders back she continued ” I am the Queen!” She laughed, tossing her hair back as she strutted around the room. ” And I treat myself as such! Always. Without exception. I also don’t allow others to treat me badly because I know that I.Am.The.Boss in my life”

This woman really identified with being a boss. So much so that she went a little overboard and could be extremely overbearing. But there was wisdom in her words. I would never be comfortable with calling myself “boss” even though that’s an apt description but queen…queen was something I could definitely use!

And use it I did. It took awhile and there were many more conversations about self worth and self love, many more discoveries, lessons and realizations but I finally GOT IT and now the word Queen has great meaning to me. It spawned the huge realization in me that I really do LOVE MYSELF. I really do TRUST MYSELF.

I am a dignified Queen. That became my core mantra and soothing balm for all things. I bought myself a crown ring …

See the source image

and charm for my bracelet..

See the source image

so I would never forget.

There’s a tattoo in the works to literally drill it into me, ha ha.

I have to tell you, the day my husband bought me this:

I felt like the lesson I learned and the progress I’d made was visible to others too. Yahoo!

Self love/worth is an on going thing. It’s the continuing relationship between you and you. It’s your most important relationship and I’m so grateful for the lessons I learned, even if they did come late, because…wow, I feel so much lighter in this world and very queenly 😉

Do you have a word that signifies your own self worth? Please share! And if you’re struggling please know that you really are a person of worth, no matter what, simply by being alive! ❤


Let It Settle.

I have a job interview today for a position in my field at a place of higher learning.

When I applied for the job I was most interested. The work is something I care deeply about, the hours are part time, reasonable and convenient. The wage is decent and the job is honourable.

Then I was called for an interview.

CUE THE FREAKING OUT!

Ha Ha Ha!

“I’m not educated enough. I’ve never worked with adults. Maybe I don’t want to travel ALL that way to work. I’m not even really an adult myself. I’m too quirky. I’m not professional enough. I only want the job because of ego. “

“THEY’LL SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!”

Such is my anxious mind 🙂

I sat with the feelings as my mind did it’s thing. I let the thoughts come and go, I let the feelings sit like a rock in my throat and pound out of my chest. I decided I would not address anything until it all settled and I was calm.

Once that happened – it took ALL NIGHT LONG- I realized that I would regret not trying for the position, a position that in my non anxious state I was REALLY interested in, and called the person back to arrange for an interview and it all went well and fine. I didn’t embarrass myself. I sounded like a normal, capable human being. There was nothing to see through because I was my self.

But oh Good Goddess, what a process to get to that point.

All this, for a job interview! 🙂

Such is life with an over active nervous system!

I’m sharing this with you because I want to show the people who need to see this, how an anxious brain works AND how you can overcome that anxiety and be OK.

The thoughts came through me rapidly, one after the other after the other. I stopped to listen to them at first but then quickly realized a. they were just thoughts and they were neither true nor false b. there were too many of them to adequately address them all so it was better to let them float on by until they stopped.

And they did. And I was able to get clear and make a decision based in truth and wisdom.

All this, thanks to meditation. Meditating daily, gives me the pause in life to see through the anxious thoughts and feelings and allows my own wisdom and guidance to kick in. Without that pause, without that little gap in between the panic, my inner compass would not have had its say and I would have probably ignored the call and been angry with myself till the end of time, wondering about what could have been.

That would have been most unkind of me. I owe it to myself to try.

So, there is hope my friends! There is hope.

Sitting there after my conversation with the interviewer, I was struck by how calm I was. I wasn’t anxious or afraid at all, and yet the story I was telling myself was that I was scared. But upon examination, I was excited and curious. Once again, the anxiety lied like it always does.

That is lesson number two. Anxiety- and depression- lie.

As for me, I’ll probably have another freak out before the interview. And I’ll be fine, as I always am.

I’m just very grateful to be even chosen to interview for this position. It is a big deal! And an honour to be considered. No matter what happens, I feel like I’ve won already 🙂

What has your experience with anxiety been like? Can you share something that has helped you? What advice would you give to a nervous interviewee?

Love Bomb

I like Valentine’s Day as much as the next cynical person. I will bitch and moan about how it’s a made up BS “holiday” all the while happily going out for heart shaped pizza with my love.

One thing I am rather rabid about though, is self love.

I like to use this day to check in on myself and my progress, in what is my most important relationship. Me + Me.

The relationship I have with myself is evolving and improving every day. I didn’t always have the best love for me and some days I’m better at it than others but I’ve learned to never give up on myself. I hope this reminder post to myself and the memes and quotes I’m going to spam you with, encourages the same, in you.

Love and Squishy Hugs.