The Change- Micro Dosing with Melatonin for S.A.D

Stepping out onto my rotting wooden porch, a familiar feeling overcame me. A sensation I felt throughout my body. An organic, all knowing feeling of the truth in that moment.

I don’t usually make note of what exactly brings on this feeling. It’s not really all that important. I trust my instincts. The details dont really matter.

But this time I did take note…

The sky around me was a darker shade of blue, filled with puffy clouds. Both the sky and the clouds seemed closer to me than they had the day prior.

The air felt cool even though the sun was shining. Even though my favourite weather app told me it was 20 degrees C outside.

Autumn, my Friends! Autumn is in the air!

If you’re following along with me and my S.A.D journey/experience for yourself (and you’ve done your own research!) this is your reminder to start taking your micro dose ( .5 mg) of melatonin daily,( in the late afternoon) as soon as YOU feel Autumn in the air, wherever YOU live.

I’m excited to see if starting the melatonin micro dose now does me any greater good than it did last time. It sure helped me last night. I slept like the dead and woke up feeling less ugh than I have in the past four days.

What I’m trying to stave off are the three months of vile muck I go through every Fall when we lose the light. My wish, my fondest hope, my deepest desire is that by starting the melatonin as soon as I notice the light change from Summer to Fall, I will glide through the worst of it with a low grade soft depression as opposed to the hard angry kind.

I’ve given up all hope for a total cure. This is the way I am, because of where I live. Nothing short of moving to the Equator will cure me. ( An idea that has crossed my mind, believe you me!)

I won’t know if it’s worked until I’m out of the worst of it of course, and last time that didnt happen until mid November. Depression is an asshole that tricks you into thinking you’re just “fine” until you come out of it.

I scared myself last year. I’m >this< close to going to the Doc for meds which is something I don’t want to do hence this massive pre-emptive attack. ( I have a whole program planned) There is nothing wrong with meds, AT ALL. I just don’t want to take them. I’ve seen too many of my friends suffer from the wrong med or side effects and that has really turned me off them. BUT I will if things get unbearable. And if you decide to do that too, good for you! I hope you feel better.

For now though, I’ve got this experiment to keep me busy plus a few other tricks up my sleeve. I’ll continue to document my experience for those who need it. IN the meantime here’s a link, should this subject interest you!

Science Friday

And get moving on your Summer Fun! We’ve got 8 , EIGHT, weekends left!

Lunerday!

The celebration of my birth month continues. Just about two more weeks left. June is just whipping by us!

It’s been fun! I’ve thrown all routine out the window. Unless I have an appointment… I do what I want. This usually means being outside in the garden. Either weeding or reading. Strangely I find both equally relaxing. Weeding is actually really fun AND I’m developing a wicked tan!

Monday:

These were OK. Not as good as the Peek Freans version though.

Tuesday:

Palm Bay beverages are made in Vancouver, BC. My old stomping grounds! This was OK. Strong but quick passionfruit flavour, no raspberry that I could taste. Bit of a vodka-y after taste. Not the worst thing I’ve ever had but I probably wont buy them again.

Wednesday:

I am IN LOVE with these earrings! They’re made out of flowers! And they are just so cool looking. The colour is out of this world. Krista is a really cool person too. I met her (and bought these) at a local craft show, here in Edmonton. You can check out her site HERE which I see is under maintence SO you can find her here, on ETSY

Thursday:

I’m a sucker for handmade soap. These four are all delicious smelling AND the one I’m using now- Sophisticated Hippie- lathers up really nicely. I can tell its made with quality ingredients because my skin feels so soft and clean after each use. Apple Island Naturals is also in BC and are run by nice people! Check them out HERE.

Friday:

Isn’t this the cutest thing!? And given my current bird obsession, very appropriate! The eggs are such a vibrant teal and they’re opalescent…they glow against my skin. Handmade again, and the artisan was a lovely human. You can find her HERE. Tracey is in Calgary, AB.

Saturday:

Get in MY BELLY!

Yes, that is a hamburger. My FAVOURITE hamburger, a Teen Burger from A&W πŸ™‚ Nom Nom Nom

You can now find me on Instagram >>>over there, in the sidebar. Follow me, if you’re so inclined.

I hope your weekend is going great! Love & Squishy Hugs. ❀

Lune 2019 This Week.

Lune-if you’re new here, Lune is a celebration of life , during my birth month- is going swimmingly!

The festivities started early, when we all went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, Miss. Sassafras’s dance recital and Mum’s visit!

On Saturday, my gift to myself were tickets to said dance recital and this glorious dinner:

There were vegetables too, Caesar Salad! Kickin it Old Skool!

On Sunday I went for an long walk and ended up at Chapters Indigo where I spent a good hour going through the wares. It felt so nice after two days and three weekends full of people, to be alone, doing my very own thing!

Monday’s gift was this little cube of deliciousness:

Tuesday:

Not cloudy and a little sweet for my tastes but still tasty and appreciated after a day in the garden.

On Wednesday I went to MINISO and wandered around:

And then I had lunch at Popeyes!

They make excellent chicken and fabulous Red Beans & Rice.

Thrusday saw me paying off my library fines, nomming down this pretty confectionery:

and setting aside the time to watch Alone, on the History Channel. (Kind of bleak this year, although I did take special delight in seeing the dude who talked shit about people who talk to trees, being hauled off only four days in. I like to think that maybe the trees just didn’t like his nonsense…)

And Friday brings me to today, and this:

YUM!!

Its the perfect day for it too. Cool, windy and rainy. Exactly my jam! And with a good pile of books at the ready … I know what I’m doing all weekend! πŸ™‚

This has been a great first birthday week! Giving presents to oneself every.single.day might seem totally self indulgent which is exactly the point! HA HA! AND it also reminds me to pause and take note of all the good around me. All the other things worth celebrating. This life I live, as it is.

What are you thankful for this week? What did you do, to celebrate another week of living?

Love & Squishy Hugs!

Dumpster Fire Blues.

The world is a Dumpster Fire at the moment and it’s been really getting to me. I am an anxious, pissed off, exhausted mess.

With yesterday’s energy hangover from four days with my squishy faced boy, it was especially bad. Had the world been hit by an asteroid, I would have been happy to go πŸ™‚ but today after some rest and self care, I seem to be back to my normal self.

(The next time you’re “in a mood” remember that rest, food, water and self love are a curative thing and take care of yourself before you write yourself and the whole word off ❀ )

I’m still angry, tired and scared but with my energy stores refueled I know I can get through it all. Besides, all is impermanent.

Thank Goddess for that! Because see above re: Dumpster Fire.

( I am SO curious about HOW though! Will people finally come to their senses soon? Natural progression of our world? War? Civil uprising of everyone hurt by this racist system ? Civil uprising of *PWU and their allies? Gaia finally has enough and shakes us all off? )

*People with Uteri

I really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, hope this is all just the final push before we evolve into a better, more enlightened group of humans but I just don’t know and I can’t control any of it.

It would be easy to say I’m just focussing on the negative but holy hell, there is a LOT if negative shit happening! I may not be able to control it but I CAN control myself -mostly- and so I’ve joined the Pro-Life Coalition and a few underground networks working to help people with uteruses get the medical care they need. I’m very busy online being a strong voice for choice, body autonomy and all the rest too.

I’m educating myself better on racism and stopping to observe police interactions with POC whenever I come across them, and I’m calling out hatred, discrimination and injustice when I see it too. People think Canada is a safe place with very little racism…yeah…NO! It’s always been there, hidden under our polite veneer. I don’t know whether to thank the Orange Asshat for inspiring such openness or revile him as usual. I guess it’s “easier” to fight when it’s out in the open but it’s awful all the same.

I’m doing my small part to be a responsible citizen of the Earth and not damage our natural mother any further. Plastic! UGH! We are absolutely surrounded by it! It all just makes me want to cry.

I call out and educate where I can about all kinds of different things -take your pick, there are many to choose from!

I’m practicing mindfulness and open friendly compassion for all. Especially those who are hurting others. Even though I’d really like to punch them straight in the fucking teeth. ( Just in case you think I’m some sort of saintly human…)

I know that while none of this is enough to change this fucked up situation we’re in, if each of us DOES SOMETHING, the collective CAN and WILL affect positive change.

I can’t sit by and watch the world burn. I can’t sit by and watch people suffer.

It’s very tempting to turn it all off. Avoid all media. Stop talking to my fellow humans. It’s OH SO TEMPTING to switch myself into Super-Duper Positive Lael, the being I turn into during times of stress who ignores all the bad stuff and lies to herself about what she’s witnessing and feeling. Or I could move myself out into the middle of fucking nowhere and go off grid…or hey invent a magic potion that enables me to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.

What a luxury those choices would be!

But alas, if we all did that, those fuckers , ahem, hurting people who are hurting others would win and we can’t have that. I WON’T have that! Onward I go. I just need to be all dramatic about it first ❀

If you need to take a break from it all , take that break! If you need to scream for an hour in a field…SCREAM! If you need to do nothing but blast your favourite music and pull weeds furiously, do that!

Let’s just make sure we meet back here in a little bit and regroup πŸ™‚

S Is For *Sweatpants. A-Z Challenge.

” I am not going into Autumn this year without a pair of f*cking sweatpants!” are words I actually yelled not so long ago.

Why?

I have no idea. Well, I mean I know why I want sweatpants. I don’t know why I was so fired up about the whole thing.

I tend to do that.

Obviously I was seeking comfort. ANd now that I think about it…I haven’t had a pair of sweatpants since 2010.

That IS a good reason to get all fired up!

I love sweatpants! Why am I denying myself so?!

It’s just not right.

The last pair of sweats I owned were pants of mystical proprortions.

I bought them in a crappy Zellers during a big scary move in the middle of a menstration emergency.

They were cheap.

They were in the men’s section.

They were huge.

They were soft and fuzzy.

They were an ugly shade of brown.

I was a desperate, bloodied woman.

They would do.

Those vile pants ended up being a the BEST PAIR OF PANTS I’d ever owned.

I am not kidding. I don’t know it was my mental state at the time or if someone put a magic spell of love, peace and comfort on them but those pants were like one giant security blanket in my life.

They were always soft. They didn’t rub or pull or tug or ride up anywhere. They kept me warm. They were strong and lasted for eight years with heavy use. I was very sad when I had to throw them out, a victim of a snagging accident in an inconvenient location.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as comfortable since.

So the quest is on! I shall find my next favourite pants. I shall wear them. I shall be cozy!

Do you have a favourite piece of clothing? Tell me about it!


R Is For *Rituals. A-Z Challenge

As an End of Life Care doula we are taught to recognize, develop and honour rituals as we empower our clients and their families do the same.

We all have rituals in our daily lives

Rituals offer us comfort and familiarity.

Rituals help us make and take time to just be. Rituals bring us together and empower us in our aloneness.

They motivate us and give us a way to focus our attention and intentions.

They help us mark life events and give us opportunities in this crazy world to acknowledge the present moment with a reverence that doesn’t seem silly while allowing us to recognize the sacred of the day.

Here are some of mine:

  1. Morning stumble to the bathroom, morning greeting with the dogs morning cup of coffee while I sit on the couch with my Hubs.
  2. Thursday flier reading and grocery list writing.
  3. Birthday celebrations. Mine and others. The cake, the candles, the presents.
  4. My daily walk.
  5. Watching the Sun rise and set.
  6. Writing in my journal.
  7. My evening personal well being check in with myself.

Think of some of yours.

I’m thinking about rituals because as a doula with the dying, it’ll be part of my role but also because I’m going to need my own ritual to help me cope with the losses I’m going to face.

Every single one of my clients is going to die. Sure, I’ve signed up for this and I wouldn’t do such a thing if I thought it would be an impossible task BUT I am still a human being. A sensitive human being and I’m going to need my own way to move through those losses that’s meaningful to me, and honours something about them personally.

But here’s another situation where a death ritual can be helpful.

Someone will die and while we don’t know them, we know of them, and we feel sad about their death. It’s a loss.

We might feel silly for this but those feelings are real, no matter what anyone says and it can be therapeutic to do something to honour them.

When George Michael died, I sat in the bathtub ALL DAY, playing his songs and mourned him. I was also mourning all the memories that went along with those songs. Our feelings can be pretty complicated.

You should have seen me when Princess Diana was killed…

Your emotions are usually about that person and something personal to you too.

ANYWAY, I’m not suggesting you go run a hot bath and cry over every person that dies but it can be very nice to do this:

Write the person’s name on a piece of paper. Hold them in your mind and think about what it is you so admire and appreciate.

Think about anything they gave you- Prince gave me Purple Rain and that gorgeous achey feeling I get every time I hear it. Luke Perry gave me Monday night doughnut parties with friends -and light yourself a candle. Then just let it burn for a bit.

( Please watch it. Don’t burn your house down)

Whenever you feel ready( keep a fire safe dish at the ready) light the paper on fire.

Thank the person, yourself and the memories with love as the paper burns. Do what you will with the ashes. Witchy Lael might suggest scattering them to the wind or burying them in the Earth. It doesn’t really matter.

What matters is that you’ve now done something, a small thing, a meaningful thing and allowed those feelings to be. Expressions of grief and honouring the dead are important and healing rituals. Hopefully this helps you. I find, its helped me.

Tell me about your daily rituals! What are your favourites? Do you have any sacred ones? Please share if you feel comfortable! ❀

Q is for *Queen. A-Z Challenge.

When I was going through a very bad thing a few years ago, it became very apparent to me and ALL OTHERS that I really needed to do some work on my self worth. Realizing I had it, cultivating more of it, and nurturing it every day, forever more.

People tried to explain it to me and for lots of reasons I just couldn’t get it. It wasn’t sinking in. The problem I believe is that I was looking at it from a logical view point and logic while nice, is not my usual go to method of existing in the world. I need magic and whimsy. I need metaphors and stories. I need imagery and symbolism.

So I struggled and struggled but I kept on trying. In my trying I had many conversations with the people in my life about the subject and one of them was life changing.

“It’s like this” my supervisor said to me. This supervisor being a very strong, confident person of imposing bearing ” I know that no matter what’s happening, I AM the BOSS.” Stretching her bulk up straighter and throwing her shoulders back she continued ” I am the Queen!” She laughed, tossing her hair back as she strutted around the room. ” And I treat myself as such! Always. Without exception. I also don’t allow others to treat me badly because I know that I.Am.The.Boss in my life”

This woman really identified with being a boss. So much so that she went a little overboard and could be extremely overbearing. But there was wisdom in her words. I would never be comfortable with calling myself “boss” even though that’s an apt description but queen…queen was something I could definitely use!

And use it I did. It took awhile and there were many more conversations about self worth and self love, many more discoveries, lessons and realizations but I finally GOT IT and now the word Queen has great meaning to me. It spawned the huge realization in me that I really do LOVE MYSELF. I really do TRUST MYSELF.

I am a dignified Queen. That became my core mantra and soothing balm for all things. I bought myself a crown ring …

See the source image

and charm for my bracelet..

See the source image

so I would never forget.

There’s a tattoo in the works to literally drill it into me, ha ha.

I have to tell you, the day my husband bought me this:

I felt like the lesson I learned and the progress I’d made was visible to others too. Yahoo!

Self love/worth is an on going thing. It’s the continuing relationship between you and you. It’s your most important relationship and I’m so grateful for the lessons I learned, even if they did come late, because…wow, I feel so much lighter in this world and very queenly πŸ˜‰

Do you have a word that signifies your own self worth? Please share! And if you’re struggling please know that you really are a person of worth, no matter what, simply by being alive! ❀