New Year. Same Awesome You.

Happy New Year!

I love the fresh start of a new year but I detest all that “New Year, New You” bullshit.

It feels violent towards the self.

It feels like – YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! FIX YOURSELF!- and I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve already wasted TOO MANY of my good years on that scam. I’m not doing it anymore. I just can’t.

How can I claim to love who I am and then try and change who I am?

It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am a perfect being of…light…energy…spirit…whatever you want to call it, and YOU ARE TOO!

Yes, I’m yelling. I feel strongly about this one.

It just seems like such a waste of precious time. We only get so long to live and I don’t want to waste it bullying myself with a hate campaign disguised as self improvement.

So instead I use this time of year to refocus and refresh.

I choose a word that I use as a guidepost throughout the year and my 2020 word is:

FLOW

Flow came to me over the Summer. I was enjoying life, flitting from one thing to another without an anxious thought or judgement. Simply living in the moment, mindful of the moment and nothing else. I had been in flow for about a month before realizing what it was and because it felt so good, I thought it’d make a good word for the next year.

So here I am, in flow.

This word serves as a reminder to let things go. To focus on what is at hand. To let the thoughts come and go as they will. To take each second as it comes with full acceptance. To step into the flow of life with gratitude for the experience and see where it takes me.

I’m excited for this one! It feels like freedom.

Do you choose a word to start off your year? Care to care?!

How about resolutions? I found a really great take on resolutions here for those of you who like to make them.

May your 2020 be everything you wish for ❤

F*ck Up Friday – Caught Ya!

Today’s F up, isn’t mine for once!

Let’s pause to celebrate this!

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

If this was my job, the sign would read – It’s Been One Day Without A Work Place Accident

With all the recent crime in the neighbourhood I’ve been half excepting to come home and find some crook either climbing my locked gate or coming out of my locked yard. I fantasize about what I’d do- whip out my phone, take their photo, call the 5-0 – and what I’d do to them – Create a huge noisy ruckus and chase them away! OR, detain them (expertly, of course) until the cops arrive – It’s all great fun to imagine WHAT IF and it’s my favourite fantasy of the moment, because I am always the hero, ha.

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok on Pexels.com

The hilarious thing is this JUST HAPPENED, only not exactly the way I’d imagined.

I’m trip tropping down the walk, home from a lovely meet up with two very lovely humans and what do I see as I approach my home? The mail carrier on the far side of my yard, hopping the fence!

(Most ackwardly too. It was quite the task for him. )

Whaaaaat? I think to myself, more curious than anything else. I know right away he’s not there to rob me, that wouldn’t smart of him, especially as he’s in uniform and I see him every day! So I continue on to my door and there he is, holding a package. Caught and flustered, ha!

“Did you make a mistake?” I ask. “Yep!” he replies. It seems he tossed the package over the fence onto my porch, realized he’d delivered it to the wrong house and then couldn’t get the package back because of my HIGH SECURITY SYSTEM:

Photo by eyeball3000 on Pexels.com

” I knocked on your window” he continues on ” But obviously you weren’t home. SO I hopped the fence. Got the dogs barking. I’m sorry! My name’s redacted to protect the honest and awkward. I’m your new carrier. I’m just learning the route!”

Ohh man, did I feel bad for him! We chatted for a bit, he thanked me for my understanding and we had a good laugh about it all. Although, I know the dude is probably just cringing inside, ha ha ha.

I got a huge kick out the whole thing and I’m grateful that while my fantasy kind of came true, it came true in a much more positive way! And I still got to be the hero! ❤

Have you made any mistakes this week? We all have our squirmy moments, I’m sure! Share them, in the interest of comradery and casting light onto shadows!

The Change- Micro Dosing with Melatonin for S.A.D

Stepping out onto my rotting wooden porch, a familiar feeling overcame me. A sensation I felt throughout my body. An organic, all knowing feeling of the truth in that moment.

I don’t usually make note of what exactly brings on this feeling. It’s not really all that important. I trust my instincts. The details dont really matter.

But this time I did take note…

The sky around me was a darker shade of blue, filled with puffy clouds. Both the sky and the clouds seemed closer to me than they had the day prior.

The air felt cool even though the sun was shining. Even though my favourite weather app told me it was 20 degrees C outside.

Autumn, my Friends! Autumn is in the air!

If you’re following along with me and my S.A.D journey/experience for yourself (and you’ve done your own research!) this is your reminder to start taking your micro dose ( .5 mg) of melatonin daily,( in the late afternoon) as soon as YOU feel Autumn in the air, wherever YOU live.

I’m excited to see if starting the melatonin micro dose now does me any greater good than it did last time. It sure helped me last night. I slept like the dead and woke up feeling less ugh than I have in the past four days.

What I’m trying to stave off are the three months of vile muck I go through every Fall when we lose the light. My wish, my fondest hope, my deepest desire is that by starting the melatonin as soon as I notice the light change from Summer to Fall, I will glide through the worst of it with a low grade soft depression as opposed to the hard angry kind.

I’ve given up all hope for a total cure. This is the way I am, because of where I live. Nothing short of moving to the Equator will cure me. ( An idea that has crossed my mind, believe you me!)

I won’t know if it’s worked until I’m out of the worst of it of course, and last time that didnt happen until mid November. Depression is an asshole that tricks you into thinking you’re just “fine” until you come out of it.

I scared myself last year. I’m >this< close to going to the Doc for meds which is something I don’t want to do hence this massive pre-emptive attack. ( I have a whole program planned) There is nothing wrong with meds, AT ALL. I just don’t want to take them. I’ve seen too many of my friends suffer from the wrong med or side effects and that has really turned me off them. BUT I will if things get unbearable. And if you decide to do that too, good for you! I hope you feel better.

For now though, I’ve got this experiment to keep me busy plus a few other tricks up my sleeve. I’ll continue to document my experience for those who need it. IN the meantime here’s a link, should this subject interest you!

Science Friday

And get moving on your Summer Fun! We’ve got 8 , EIGHT, weekends left!

Lunerday!

The celebration of my birth month continues. Just about two more weeks left. June is just whipping by us!

It’s been fun! I’ve thrown all routine out the window. Unless I have an appointment… I do what I want. This usually means being outside in the garden. Either weeding or reading. Strangely I find both equally relaxing. Weeding is actually really fun AND I’m developing a wicked tan!

Monday:

These were OK. Not as good as the Peek Freans version though.

Tuesday:

Palm Bay beverages are made in Vancouver, BC. My old stomping grounds! This was OK. Strong but quick passionfruit flavour, no raspberry that I could taste. Bit of a vodka-y after taste. Not the worst thing I’ve ever had but I probably wont buy them again.

Wednesday:

I am IN LOVE with these earrings! They’re made out of flowers! And they are just so cool looking. The colour is out of this world. Krista is a really cool person too. I met her (and bought these) at a local craft show, here in Edmonton. You can check out her site HERE which I see is under maintence SO you can find her here, on ETSY

Thursday:

I’m a sucker for handmade soap. These four are all delicious smelling AND the one I’m using now- Sophisticated Hippie- lathers up really nicely. I can tell its made with quality ingredients because my skin feels so soft and clean after each use. Apple Island Naturals is also in BC and are run by nice people! Check them out HERE.

Friday:

Isn’t this the cutest thing!? And given my current bird obsession, very appropriate! The eggs are such a vibrant teal and they’re opalescent…they glow against my skin. Handmade again, and the artisan was a lovely human. You can find her HERE. Tracey is in Calgary, AB.

Saturday:

Get in MY BELLY!

Yes, that is a hamburger. My FAVOURITE hamburger, a Teen Burger from A&W 🙂 Nom Nom Nom

You can now find me on Instagram >>>over there, in the sidebar. Follow me, if you’re so inclined.

I hope your weekend is going great! Love & Squishy Hugs. ❤

Lune 2019 This Week.

Lune-if you’re new here, Lune is a celebration of life , during my birth month- is going swimmingly!

The festivities started early, when we all went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, Miss. Sassafras’s dance recital and Mum’s visit!

On Saturday, my gift to myself were tickets to said dance recital and this glorious dinner:

There were vegetables too, Caesar Salad! Kickin it Old Skool!

On Sunday I went for an long walk and ended up at Chapters Indigo where I spent a good hour going through the wares. It felt so nice after two days and three weekends full of people, to be alone, doing my very own thing!

Monday’s gift was this little cube of deliciousness:

Tuesday:

Not cloudy and a little sweet for my tastes but still tasty and appreciated after a day in the garden.

On Wednesday I went to MINISO and wandered around:

And then I had lunch at Popeyes!

They make excellent chicken and fabulous Red Beans & Rice.

Thrusday saw me paying off my library fines, nomming down this pretty confectionery:

and setting aside the time to watch Alone, on the History Channel. (Kind of bleak this year, although I did take special delight in seeing the dude who talked shit about people who talk to trees, being hauled off only four days in. I like to think that maybe the trees just didn’t like his nonsense…)

And Friday brings me to today, and this:

YUM!!

Its the perfect day for it too. Cool, windy and rainy. Exactly my jam! And with a good pile of books at the ready … I know what I’m doing all weekend! 🙂

This has been a great first birthday week! Giving presents to oneself every.single.day might seem totally self indulgent which is exactly the point! HA HA! AND it also reminds me to pause and take note of all the good around me. All the other things worth celebrating. This life I live, as it is.

What are you thankful for this week? What did you do, to celebrate another week of living?

Love & Squishy Hugs!

Dumpster Fire Blues.

The world is a Dumpster Fire at the moment and it’s been really getting to me. I am an anxious, pissed off, exhausted mess.

With yesterday’s energy hangover from four days with my squishy faced boy, it was especially bad. Had the world been hit by an asteroid, I would have been happy to go 🙂 but today after some rest and self care, I seem to be back to my normal self.

(The next time you’re “in a mood” remember that rest, food, water and self love are a curative thing and take care of yourself before you write yourself and the whole word off ❤ )

I’m still angry, tired and scared but with my energy stores refueled I know I can get through it all. Besides, all is impermanent.

Thank Goddess for that! Because see above re: Dumpster Fire.

( I am SO curious about HOW though! Will people finally come to their senses soon? Natural progression of our world? War? Civil uprising of everyone hurt by this racist system ? Civil uprising of *PWU and their allies? Gaia finally has enough and shakes us all off? )

*People with Uteri

I really, really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, hope this is all just the final push before we evolve into a better, more enlightened group of humans but I just don’t know and I can’t control any of it.

It would be easy to say I’m just focussing on the negative but holy hell, there is a LOT if negative shit happening! I may not be able to control it but I CAN control myself -mostly- and so I’ve joined the Pro-Life Coalition and a few underground networks working to help people with uteruses get the medical care they need. I’m very busy online being a strong voice for choice, body autonomy and all the rest too.

I’m educating myself better on racism and stopping to observe police interactions with POC whenever I come across them, and I’m calling out hatred, discrimination and injustice when I see it too. People think Canada is a safe place with very little racism…yeah…NO! It’s always been there, hidden under our polite veneer. I don’t know whether to thank the Orange Asshat for inspiring such openness or revile him as usual. I guess it’s “easier” to fight when it’s out in the open but it’s awful all the same.

I’m doing my small part to be a responsible citizen of the Earth and not damage our natural mother any further. Plastic! UGH! We are absolutely surrounded by it! It all just makes me want to cry.

I call out and educate where I can about all kinds of different things -take your pick, there are many to choose from!

I’m practicing mindfulness and open friendly compassion for all. Especially those who are hurting others. Even though I’d really like to punch them straight in the fucking teeth. ( Just in case you think I’m some sort of saintly human…)

I know that while none of this is enough to change this fucked up situation we’re in, if each of us DOES SOMETHING, the collective CAN and WILL affect positive change.

I can’t sit by and watch the world burn. I can’t sit by and watch people suffer.

It’s very tempting to turn it all off. Avoid all media. Stop talking to my fellow humans. It’s OH SO TEMPTING to switch myself into Super-Duper Positive Lael, the being I turn into during times of stress who ignores all the bad stuff and lies to herself about what she’s witnessing and feeling. Or I could move myself out into the middle of fucking nowhere and go off grid…or hey invent a magic potion that enables me to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.

What a luxury those choices would be!

But alas, if we all did that, those fuckers , ahem, hurting people who are hurting others would win and we can’t have that. I WON’T have that! Onward I go. I just need to be all dramatic about it first ❤

If you need to take a break from it all , take that break! If you need to scream for an hour in a field…SCREAM! If you need to do nothing but blast your favourite music and pull weeds furiously, do that!

Let’s just make sure we meet back here in a little bit and regroup 🙂

S Is For *Sweatpants. A-Z Challenge.

” I am not going into Autumn this year without a pair of f*cking sweatpants!” are words I actually yelled not so long ago.

Why?

I have no idea. Well, I mean I know why I want sweatpants. I don’t know why I was so fired up about the whole thing.

I tend to do that.

Obviously I was seeking comfort. ANd now that I think about it…I haven’t had a pair of sweatpants since 2010.

That IS a good reason to get all fired up!

I love sweatpants! Why am I denying myself so?!

It’s just not right.

The last pair of sweats I owned were pants of mystical proprortions.

I bought them in a crappy Zellers during a big scary move in the middle of a menstration emergency.

They were cheap.

They were in the men’s section.

They were huge.

They were soft and fuzzy.

They were an ugly shade of brown.

I was a desperate, bloodied woman.

They would do.

Those vile pants ended up being a the BEST PAIR OF PANTS I’d ever owned.

I am not kidding. I don’t know it was my mental state at the time or if someone put a magic spell of love, peace and comfort on them but those pants were like one giant security blanket in my life.

They were always soft. They didn’t rub or pull or tug or ride up anywhere. They kept me warm. They were strong and lasted for eight years with heavy use. I was very sad when I had to throw them out, a victim of a snagging accident in an inconvenient location.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as comfortable since.

So the quest is on! I shall find my next favourite pants. I shall wear them. I shall be cozy!

Do you have a favourite piece of clothing? Tell me about it!