The Change- Micro Dosing with Melatonin for S.A.D

Stepping out onto my rotting wooden porch, a familiar feeling overcame me. A sensation I felt throughout my body. An organic, all knowing feeling of the truth in that moment.

I don’t usually make note of what exactly brings on this feeling. It’s not really all that important. I trust my instincts. The details dont really matter.

But this time I did take note…

The sky around me was a darker shade of blue, filled with puffy clouds. Both the sky and the clouds seemed closer to me than they had the day prior.

The air felt cool even though the sun was shining. Even though my favourite weather app told me it was 20 degrees C outside.

Autumn, my Friends! Autumn is in the air!

If you’re following along with me and my S.A.D journey/experience for yourself (and you’ve done your own research!) this is your reminder to start taking your micro dose ( .5 mg) of melatonin daily,( in the late afternoon) as soon as YOU feel Autumn in the air, wherever YOU live.

I’m excited to see if starting the melatonin micro dose now does me any greater good than it did last time. It sure helped me last night. I slept like the dead and woke up feeling less ugh than I have in the past four days.

What I’m trying to stave off are the three months of vile muck I go through every Fall when we lose the light. My wish, my fondest hope, my deepest desire is that by starting the melatonin as soon as I notice the light change from Summer to Fall, I will glide through the worst of it with a low grade soft depression as opposed to the hard angry kind.

I’ve given up all hope for a total cure. This is the way I am, because of where I live. Nothing short of moving to the Equator will cure me. ( An idea that has crossed my mind, believe you me!)

I won’t know if it’s worked until I’m out of the worst of it of course, and last time that didnt happen until mid November. Depression is an asshole that tricks you into thinking you’re just “fine” until you come out of it.

I scared myself last year. I’m >this< close to going to the Doc for meds which is something I don’t want to do hence this massive pre-emptive attack. ( I have a whole program planned) There is nothing wrong with meds, AT ALL. I just don’t want to take them. I’ve seen too many of my friends suffer from the wrong med or side effects and that has really turned me off them. BUT I will if things get unbearable. And if you decide to do that too, good for you! I hope you feel better.

For now though, I’ve got this experiment to keep me busy plus a few other tricks up my sleeve. I’ll continue to document my experience for those who need it. IN the meantime here’s a link, should this subject interest you!

Science Friday

And get moving on your Summer Fun! We’ve got 8 , EIGHT, weekends left!

M is for *Melatonin For S.A.D. A-Z Challenge.

Have any of you read the Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson? There’s Netflix series of the same name…???

In the book, a group of people hole up in a haunted house and aim to do an investigation of sorts and all kinds of weird shit goes down. The brilliance of the story is that one never really knows if the hauntings of place and people are true hauntings or the results of a mental disorder. It’s creepy, thought provoking stuff.

When I read it I was shook! It reminded me of something that happens to ME, every Autumn.

DO I live in a Haunted House…..???? !!!

Ha. I wish I was so lucky!

No.

As the Summer light fades to a brilliant Fall, a change comes over me. I know its coming and try my best to stop it but somehow how it always gets me! S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder, known usually as Seasonal Depression.

Even with the typical treatment you hear about, light therapy, vitamins, diet and exercise, cognitive therapy…I turn from my normal cheery, positive self to a hate filled monster. The physical symptoms are bad enough, aches and pains. Low energy. Sleep issues. What bothers me the most is the change to ME. I fixate on people and things in a hateful way. I decide that they are JUST THE WORST and spend all of September and October despising everything and everyone, until I pop up again for air in mid November and realize I’ve been overtaken again.

It all feels so normal when I’m in it. I really believe the things I’m thinking are true and valid. Thank Goddess for self control and clarity. And to all of you suffering with a year long depression disorder. High Five for making it through the everyday.

BUT when I came up for air this past November, I found something very helpful. I don’t even remember where I heard about it … Micro dosing with melatonin. One takes a wee amount, in the late afternoon, like 1mg and carries on like usual. It doesn’t make you sleepy but it does help with
circadian misalignment which is a major part of SAD.

I haven’t tried it through the worst of my seasonal depression but I did notice a positive change when I did in November. I felt better over all, both physically and mentally. I felt lighter and brighter and the usual “last hurrah” of illness that strikes me in February, didn’t make an appearance. That’s pretty amazing since I’ve been dealing with this since I was a child. The true test will be this Autumn and I am ever hopeful! I’m going to take when I notice Summer fade to Fall in addition to all my other treatments. Check back with me here, around mid November for an update!

Now, I’m a nut. Not a doctor. So PLEASE, if you suffer so and think this all sounds very interesting do your own research. Here is a link to get you started.

Untreated S.A.D can turn into something a lot more invasive so I urge you to seek help from your doctor too.

Do any of you suffer with S.A.D in the Winter? What have you found helpful?

Let It Settle.

I have a job interview today for a position in my field at a place of higher learning.

When I applied for the job I was most interested. The work is something I care deeply about, the hours are part time, reasonable and convenient. The wage is decent and the job is honourable.

Then I was called for an interview.

CUE THE FREAKING OUT!

Ha Ha Ha!

“I’m not educated enough. I’ve never worked with adults. Maybe I don’t want to travel ALL that way to work. I’m not even really an adult myself. I’m too quirky. I’m not professional enough. I only want the job because of ego. “

“THEY’LL SEE RIGHT THROUGH ME!”

Such is my anxious mind πŸ™‚

I sat with the feelings as my mind did it’s thing. I let the thoughts come and go, I let the feelings sit like a rock in my throat and pound out of my chest. I decided I would not address anything until it all settled and I was calm.

Once that happened – it took ALL NIGHT LONG- I realized that I would regret not trying for the position, a position that in my non anxious state I was REALLY interested in, and called the person back to arrange for an interview and it all went well and fine. I didn’t embarrass myself. I sounded like a normal, capable human being. There was nothing to see through because I was my self.

But oh Good Goddess, what a process to get to that point.

All this, for a job interview! πŸ™‚

Such is life with an over active nervous system!

I’m sharing this with you because I want to show the people who need to see this, how an anxious brain works AND how you can overcome that anxiety and be OK.

The thoughts came through me rapidly, one after the other after the other. I stopped to listen to them at first but then quickly realized a. they were just thoughts and they were neither true nor false b. there were too many of them to adequately address them all so it was better to let them float on by until they stopped.

And they did. And I was able to get clear and make a decision based in truth and wisdom.

All this, thanks to meditation. Meditating daily, gives me the pause in life to see through the anxious thoughts and feelings and allows my own wisdom and guidance to kick in. Without that pause, without that little gap in between the panic, my inner compass would not have had its say and I would have probably ignored the call and been angry with myself till the end of time, wondering about what could have been.

That would have been most unkind of me. I owe it to myself to try.

So, there is hope my friends! There is hope.

Sitting there after my conversation with the interviewer, I was struck by how calm I was. I wasn’t anxious or afraid at all, and yet the story I was telling myself was that I was scared. But upon examination, I was excited and curious. Once again, the anxiety lied like it always does.

That is lesson number two. Anxiety- and depression- lie.

As for me, I’ll probably have another freak out before the interview. And I’ll be fine, as I always am.

I’m just very grateful to be even chosen to interview for this position. It is a big deal! And an honour to be considered. No matter what happens, I feel like I’ve won already πŸ™‚

What has your experience with anxiety been like? Can you share something that has helped you? What advice would you give to a nervous interviewee?