I know I sound like a broken record when I say this but I’m saying it anyway: Where did May go? How is it possible for time to just zoom by like this?
May Shit List
Opioids and the doctors that prescribe them to children in a care free, willy nilly way. ( This is how my 19 year old nephew died )
My shoulder which seems to be permanently disabled.
Myself, for losing the power cord to a very expensive camera!
This worm for crawling right in my path, trapping me in the car.
The person who assaulted this 84 year old woman out watering her lawn. There’s video footage of the douche bag. Check it out, see if you know him then report his ass.
Any weather from the North that continues to INSIST UPON ITSELF in May. Go on, get out of here! Don’t come back until December.
Aaaannnnd, I think that’s it!
Not too bad for an entire month. I’m finding this practice therapeutic and positive. I know! Doesn’t that seem counter intuitive? Seeing things that make me mad, in print, takes away their power and clears a path for other things. Like grief and humour. Like acceptance and resiliency.
How was your month in this regard? What is making you mad these days?!
Can you believe we’re already nearing the end of April? Shocking!
It hasn’t been the worst month, pandemic aside but still, I’ve got some things on the ole shit list. Some pretty bad things too.
* If you’re new here, read about my Shit Lists HERE.
T.S Elliot was right, for different reasons.
“April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain.”
Here are mine:
1. My Uterus. It has an agenda of its own and that agenda is to make me suffer. Sure the IUD has slowed the constant bleeding but everything else remains exactly the same. I’m >thisclose< to performing a home hysterectomy.
2. The person who was quick to remind and caution me, most pointedly, that my son- who has struggled with addiction- was once also a sparkly eyed curious little boy, when I was describing my grandchild as such. Like what does that even mean?! And what exactly was your intention? And how stupid are you? DO you really think all sparkly eyed curious boys grow up to become drug addicts? What exactly were you warning me against? And what did you expect me to do with said warning? Stop loving my babies? I’m perplexed…oh and also:
Now obviously I should be posing my questions to said person but I was shocked out of my gourd. Stunned. This is a person who is supposed to be a close friend. Anyway, this was a great reminder to watch my own mouth and be careful what I say and to remember that people say stupid shit all the time and may not mean anything cruel by it…but still, I am allowed to be angry and therefore…onto the shit list it goes!
3. The employee of my husband’s who came in to work SICK! It’s been 14 + days and we’re still ok so phew! Social distancing works. It was scary there for a little while though. Every sneeze and sniffle, every cough and tickle edged up the anxiety.
4. Whatever it was that killed my nephew in March. He wasn’t even 22. I dont know how he died – I’m no contact with my first family under the guidance of mental health professionals.- but it was described as sudden and senseless. What an awful, awful thing.
5. The 8mm mass in my daughter in law’s BRAIN, that is not only messing up her life but which also comes with some very scary risks for removal. This girl isn’t even 30 and she’s already had to deal with so much in her life. She takes superb care of my granddaughter and she’s sweet and loving and fun. I know life isn’t fair and nobody deserves this shit but still, I’m gonna say it- She’s been through more than her fair share already.
6. People not skilled in listening and/or reading comprehension who just LOVE to shoot their mouth off. Stop. Slow down. Pay attention and then respond. I know we all do this sometimes. I do it! And I cringe every.single.time I realize my mistake, ha! I’m talking about the people who are not so self aware and regularly “communicate” this way.
7. My little pup who is coyote bait but insists upon being outside constantly now that the weather is warm. In and out. In and out. Guess who else gets to go in and out? In and out? Yeah…me. And it’s not like she does anything important while we’re out there! No pees, no poos. She barks at random things…eats grass…chases bugs. All the while I stand there supervising. She is driving me crazy and I think we’re going to have to build a higher fence just for her.
Alrighty! That felt good! I got the shitty things out of my head and I’m ready to move on toward the good. Here’s something to ponder in the meantime:
I wanted to call this The Hit List, as a companion to The Shit List because it rhymes buuuut I don’t know…Hit List makes me think of other things and I try to keep my brain out of those bad neighbourhoods, ha ha!
I was doing this last year but I fell out of the practice. Here I am again, ever optimistic.
Best of January:
Well number one, this adorable piece of my DNA:
Olivia Angel-Lael. (!!) She was 6lbs 14oz and hardly gave her Mum any trouble at all. Of course I saw her hours after she was born- I had her brother for safe keeping and we all trooped in for a visit right away – and I got to snuggle her again over the weekend. It’s hard to get a sense of who a newborn is but thus far she is very chill and doesn’t seem to mind her tornado two year old brother, as he bounces around all over her. OV loves her and often pauses his very important toddler business to stop and give her pets on the hands, tickles on the tummy and kisses on the head.
I’ve read 9 books this month, am at 7% of my reading goal, and this was the best one out of the bunch:
Olive, Again by Elizabeth Strout. Number two in a series…I think…there is one before this one -Olive Kitteridge- its up to the author if there will be a third- ANYWAY, it’s a great story about one woman seem from many different angles along with a few other intertwining storylines and its just so damn human. A good read that inspired me to go easy on myself and others.
Best catalyst: The FLU.
I know, crazy right?! The flu brought with it a gift. It forced me to listen to my body and take time to just be. To do nothing. I didn’t want to be a miserable lump of ick the whole time and in order to do that, I just had to accept that I was ill, unable to do much and just sit with what I had. Be that books, tv, YouTube, or my sick ass self. It allowed me to do these things without guilt or shame and even though I was NOT having a time, it wasn’t all that awful. I was grateful for what I did have! I enjoyed doing nothing. I enjoyed the rest. I enjoyed the simplicity of it all. Not only that, it peaked my curiosity and I went on to learn everything I could about the subject and came away with a real appreciation for… well…everything! Finally, and maybe most importantly I didn’t experience any of that 900 days of January nonsense. The month flew by for me, woot woot!
I drank a lot of tea this month – It was National Tea Drinking Month too!- and when my cheap kettle crapped out , I simply went back to the way I’d done it for 25 years before-boiled water on the stove in a pot- but I missed my kettle, even if it was crappy so when London Drugs had a sale, I treated myself to this. It’s glass. Yay! No more plastic leaching, ha ha. And isn’t that light so pretty?! I feel so indulgent, lol I’m still blowing my nose with toilet paper though. What is wrong with me?!
Best Game: June’s Journey
June’s Journey is a hidden objects game that takes you through stories as you move through each level or scene. It’s a fun little time waster that doesn’t leave you feeling like you’ve wasted time! Plus, it’s good for your brain and it’s full of stupid tropes you can laugh at.
Best Ted Talk:
How was YOUR January? What would be on your Best Of list?
I love me some December ! ( Special thanks to melatonin for that! ) There is something satisfying about saying goodbye to another year, all the while enjoying food and friends and family. I love looking back on everything I’ve done/experienced and trying to glean as much as I can from the lot. Good and bad.
The problem has always been my memory. My normal aging brain, poor mental hygiene and seasonal depression tends to wipe away anything I’ve done before June. Boooo!
It’s so frustrating to look back and come up with so little.
Was I even alive? Ha ha.
This year, I’ve tried to combat the problem. Some of you may be interested in it too.
Grab some index cards:
Grab yourself a really good pen:
Label the card as such:
And then start recording, in point form any little daily tidbits you think you’ll want to remember a year from now. I go day by day, marking each new day with a bullet point. I don’t bother with actual dates unless something important happens, like a death or a birth ETC. And I’m brief -or I try to be. A day might look like this:
. Library. Wrote. Talked to Jig. Made an amazing dinner- insert recipe name here. Lazy evening online. Good day.
That sort of thing! It’s an accounting, not a journal.
I record things like the weather too, whether or not I went outside or stayed home. Did I see any cool birds? Meet any interesting people? See a beautiful sunrise? Go grocery shopping? I record the exciting and the ordinary. It’s totally up to you! Write down the things that appeal to YOU. Don’t think about it too much, just write!
And don’t worry if the first few weeks are a little lean. It takes awhile to make it a habit but in time you’ll find it’s easy enough to do.
I find it helpful to do it at the same time every day, and tie it with another habit so it’s easier to remember. If you forget and have to go back and do several days at a time, that’s ok too. My notes have lots of question marks where I can’t remember. They are a note of their own too! Soon, it’ll just be a regular part of you life. A scribble here, a note there. It all adds up. There’s no need to stress. Just be as consistent as you’re able throughout the year.
If you do this every week for the rest of the year, you’ll have a day in , day out account of what your life looks like at the end of the December!
I plan to enjoy my cards with a glass of cheer and then I’m thinking I may ritually shred them to make room for the new too 🙂
At any rate, index card life accounting is a cheap and easy way to give yourself a memory boost if you need it and a fun way to record your life, even if you don’t. I’ve been enjoying the daily ritual immensely!
Life is so strange. One day you can be so sad it comsumes your every thought and effects how your brain operates. The next, you’re laughing and playing with a four year old, having the best time.
That was my weekend. I know life is just like that. There is suffering and there is joy and the two are not mutually exclusive…it’s just always so weird when I experience it!
My friend is dealing with cancer that’s metastasized and it’s doing awful things to her body. I just learned of said awful things and …ugh. I don’t want her to suffer but she is, and she will further. In the midst of all that, we had a beautiful conversation about death and life and love and our friendship. I was sad and full of heart at the same time.
The next day we had Miss. Sassafras and four year olds are always such a hoot! She wanted to through rocks in a pond so that’s what we did (after hiking through Mill Creek Ravine and dragging around trees! )
The day after thaaaaat, we had everyone over for dinner and that was really fun. I got my wish and EVERYBODY was over. All the kids, all the spouses- former AND current-. YAY us! I made FOUR chickens, which everyone found hilarious for some reason, and my daughter in law brought us a cheesecake from The Italian Centre. Woot Woot!
I’ve got Hurricane Baby coming today and my heart is just full of all the things! Soft and sweet, hard and bitter. It’s a challenge to wrap the mind around it all 🙂