Dream Your Own Death.

One of the possible side effects of taking melatonin are vivid dreams. Since I started micro-dosing myself I’ve had a few but because I knew to expect them AND because I know that vivid dreams mean I’m in that lovely restorative REM state, this is A-OK with me! I’m not overly bothered by them.

Well, except this one.

On the very first night of micro dosing, I dreamt I was in a room full of people, perhaps 15 of us all together.

The room was white and sterile, with overhead lights that flickered and buzzed. The general mood was somber. There was a woman and she was not having a time! She was really carrying on, crying and wailing. Pulling at her hair…a staff member sat beside her and was trying to calm and console the poor dear. My curiosity got the better of me and I rudely interrupted them to ask”What’s her problem!?” in the snottiest voice ever!

“Oh, she’s just learned how she’s about to die” the staff member says, nonchalantly.

I openly scoff at this poor women’s distress but quickly realize that I have also been collected and made to gather in this room… I’m starting to catch on but still, I’m full of cheek ” How am I going to die?”

Staff lady turns to me, looks me dead straight in the eyes and says with a steely glint ” YOU, are going to have a medical event.”

My heart pounds! Pressure in my head builds and builds as I stare at her in horror. I start to hyperventilate as my head explodes in pain and then I wake up.

In.a.panic!

“I’m dying! I’m dying! ” are the most coherent of the many jumbled thoughts racing through my head. “What about my grandbabies? What about my garden!? MY JOURNALS!!” I’m sputtering. Actually sputtering! ” I haven’t done all the things I want to do!” I wail in my head.

That last thought clears the fog because I actually have done the things I want to do…this must be a dream…Holy crap! Some dream!

Gradually my heart stops racing and the stroke pain in my head clears. I get up to pee and have a laugh.

I am an end of life care doula! I read about death every single day. I live and breathe death and help people with theirs…and yet here I am, dreaming about my own and freaking out! Too bloody funny.

I know it’s just a dream and dreams aren’t reality but the whole thing made me wonder this- If I’m not lucky enough to die in my sleep, if I am made aware of the details of my death, is this how I’m going to react? Goddess, I hope not. Who wants to spend their last moments in a panic?!

This is just like the time I dreamed of spiders and had to remind myself that I wasn’t actually afraid of spiders. And I’m not, under most circumstances, ha ha. I’m only afraid of them when they move quickly.

It seems I’m only afraid of death when it moves quickly too.