April 2020 Sh*T List.

Can you believe we’re already nearing the end of April? Shocking!

It hasn’t been the worst month, pandemic aside but still, I’ve got some things on the ole shit list. Some pretty bad things too.

* If you’re new here, read about my Shit Lists HERE.

T.S Elliot was right, for different reasons.

β€œApril is the cruelest month, breeding
lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
memory and desire, stirring
dull roots with spring rain.”

Here are mine:

1. My Uterus. It has an agenda of its own and that agenda is to make me suffer. Sure the IUD has slowed the constant bleeding but everything else remains exactly the same. I’m >thisclose< to performing a home hysterectomy.

2. The person who was quick to remind and caution me, most pointedly, that my son- who has struggled with addiction- was once also a sparkly eyed curious little boy, when I was describing my grandchild as such. Like what does that even mean?! And what exactly was your intention? And how stupid are you? DO you really think all sparkly eyed curious boys grow up to become drug addicts? What exactly were you warning me against? And what did you expect me to do with said warning? Stop loving my babies? I’m perplexed…oh and also:

Now obviously I should be posing my questions to said person but I was shocked out of my gourd. Stunned. This is a person who is supposed to be a close friend. Anyway, this was a great reminder to watch my own mouth and be careful what I say and to remember that people say stupid shit all the time and may not mean anything cruel by it…but still, I am allowed to be angry and therefore…onto the shit list it goes!

3. The employee of my husband’s who came in to work SICK! It’s been 14 + days and we’re still ok so phew! Social distancing works. It was scary there for a little while though. Every sneeze and sniffle, every cough and tickle edged up the anxiety.

4. Whatever it was that killed my nephew in March. He wasn’t even 22. I dont know how he died – I’m no contact with my first family under the guidance of mental health professionals.- but it was described as sudden and senseless. What an awful, awful thing.

5. The 8mm mass in my daughter in law’s BRAIN, that is not only messing up her life but which also comes with some very scary risks for removal. This girl isn’t even 30 and she’s already had to deal with so much in her life. She takes superb care of my granddaughter and she’s sweet and loving and fun. I know life isn’t fair and nobody deserves this shit but still, I’m gonna say it- She’s been through more than her fair share already.

6. People not skilled in listening and/or reading comprehension who just LOVE to shoot their mouth off. Stop. Slow down. Pay attention and then respond. I know we all do this sometimes. I do it! And I cringe every.single.time I realize my mistake, ha! I’m talking about the people who are not so self aware and regularly “communicate” this way.

7. My little pup who is coyote bait but insists upon being outside constantly now that the weather is warm. In and out. In and out. Guess who else gets to go in and out? In and out? Yeah…me. And it’s not like she does anything important while we’re out there! No pees, no poos. She barks at random things…eats grass…chases bugs. All the while I stand there supervising. She is driving me crazy and I think we’re going to have to build a higher fence just for her.

She’s “guarding” the cookie behind her. This is a dog who barks and growls at Bison like she even stands a chance so maybe the coyotes should be scared of her!

Alrighty! That felt good! I got the shitty things out of my head and I’m ready to move on toward the good. Here’s something to ponder in the meantime:

Ha! Right?!

What would you put on your Shit List?

A-Z Challenge – Worms.

I don’t know what worms feel like.

I know what I feel like when I come across them *shudder* .

If I see worms in large numbers I run away and cry in a panic so…yeah. Unless held down and forced to touch one, this is something I’ll always not know!

It started when this highly sensitive person pulled a handful of fake fishing worms out of her dad’s pocket -his attempt to stop me from stealing his gum as a two year old- and I’ve been perpetually icked out by them, ever since!

I wear gloves in the garden at all times. And when I see one, I cover it up with dirt or move it with my shovel. I like worms…like I like any small creature. I realize and appreciate their importance…it’s just…ew!

So, I imagine they feel something like the sticky gummy lips of an old dog with droopy jowls.

The Hubs says they are slimy. I’ll take his word on that, ha!

He’s the resident worm saver. I finally worked up the nerve to save one myself last year – I’m 46- using two very long sticks! I was SO proud! And I once called out a very grateful “thank you!” to a stranger on the street for saving a worm the size of a freaking snake, trapped on the sidewalk. I’d been crying and fighting my revulsion for 5 mins because I wanted to save it…I just couldn’t. Not even with gloves. So that stranger was a hero twice over! ❀ Those wiggly things might gross me out but I don’t wish them any harm.

They seem pretty friendly though:

Ha Ha!

Gross. πŸ˜‰

A – Z Challenge – Verb.

I grew up thinking Love was a feeling. A magic feeling, with powers all of its own!

I thought Love conquered all.

I thought when you loved someone, that love would endure through the ages with no help from anything. Love would wipe away faults and problems and every other thing a person could imagine.

Once you had Love, you were set for life.

Yeah….the fall from that mistaken belief was a hard one!

Life got infinitely better for everyone in my life, when I realized what I did not know:

Love is a VERB.

A-Z Challenge – Ugly

Who decided that an ugly appearance was a bad thing?

I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t put on this earth to be pretty for ANYONE. If someone finds me unattractive… well, that’s a them problem.

Why are we, as a society so bloody OBSESSED with beauty? I get the whole biology thing but seriously, aren’t we supposed to be better than that? We’ve got these big brains! Cant we use them to override some of that evolutionary nonsense?

And WHY do we think that if one person or another isn’t pleasing to us, then that person shouldn’t be pleasing to any other? There are SEVEN PLUS BILLION human beings on this planet and I’m expected to please them all?!

F8ck that!

Why is my worth dependant on my appearance?

It’s not. Nor is yours.

I don’t know…the whole idea of this just seems so stupid to me. This is something I truly don’t understand. It boggles my mind.

A-Z Challenge- Toxicity

When I went no contact with my dysfunctional family 12+ years ago I was hoping that at some point, my sister and I would eventually be able to have a healthy relationship.

I imagined we’d come together effortlessly. Our relationship would be one born of growth and healthy behaviors. It would be “normal”.

My issue wasn’t with her so much as it was with the woman who gave birth to me. And even though there were problems between us, I chalked it up to her level of maturity. I thought she’d grow and gain clarity and do her best to unlearn the negative behaviors and coping skills we both had. Armed with our new skills we’d live happily ever after.

Ha Ha Ha!

I’m such a dreamer.

What I did not know was how deep the level of toxicity would be for a person continuing to live within that dysfunction.

I haven’t lived within it for years. I’ve been able to untangle things, to heal, to grow and develop a beautiful healthy life.

She has not.

It’s strange because she never seemed bothered by any of the mess. She was way better at letting things slide off her back.

The years and toxicity take their toll and do their damage anyway. Just because a person seems to be doing well doesn’t meant they are.

Every so often she messages me – drunk- and tries to start things up again but I just can’t. I’ve worked too hard to create the life and maintain the positive mental state that I have.

When I dreamed my little sisterly dream so many years ago, I did not know that I’d choose the opposite. And it would feel right for me. I did not know that I’d choose peace, with firmness and love.

A-Z Challenge- Sneeze

Before COVID 19 came to town a sneeze was just a sneeze.

Photo by Brandon Nickerson on Pexels.com

I’d “achoo!” and think nothing of it. Mostly my sneezes were a sign of allergies. I’m allergic to my cats. Snow mold. Pollen…blah blah blah. Lots of little irritants. So sneezing was just a normal part of my life.

Sometimes a sneeze could mean the start of a cold. So I’d up my elderberry syrup and wait for something to develop..or not..and continue on with my life.

I did not know that in the future a sneeze would come to mean so much more.

” Achoo!” Is this allergies or COVID 19?

“Achoo!” Is this a cold or COVID 19?

“Achoo!” Am I a carrier? I don’t have any symptoms…if I go out will I accidently kill someone?

“Achoo!” Should I order my groceries instead of going out to get them?

“Achoo!” Will this prove to be nothing and go away? Or will I die?

“Achoo!” Is this really just a sneeze?

I don’t know. Better play it safe and stay inside.

Photo by Cleyder Duque on Pexels.com

A-Z Challenge – Remember

My husband swears up and down that he’s never been in a hot tub.

Don’tbe too surprised. This is the same man who’d never owned a pair of flip flops until his late 30s! (who knew walking in flip flops had a hilarious learning curve!?)

I distinctly remember being in a hot tub with him, our friends Ivan and Michelle. Michelle’s daughter Bianca and Ivan’s brother Chris!

We were at Canada Games pool in New West. And we used to go there quite a bit! Hubs wasn’t a swimmer but he often joined us poolside and I swear, I SWEAR IT, he came into the hot tub with us this one time.

What I don’t know is whether this was a reality or a dream I turned into reality!

Hubs says I was dreaming. I’m convinced it happened in real life.

As time marches on I’m starting to lose faith in my conviction. Knowing Hubs, the man I can rarely get into water of any kind, its highly unlikely he got into a hot tub full of people. Hot tubs full of people are in his words ” a gross stew of disgusting humans” It’s highly unlikely he got into shorts never mind water. Le sigh. I don’t know for sure but I think what I remember as real, really was a dream!

But this is a fight we’ve been having for 20 years! so I cant really give up on it now, can I? Ha! I’d never hear the end of it.

Shhh, don’t tell him!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

A-Z Challenge – Quintessential

I did not know that the word “Quintessential” was so witchy! Or that it has such an interesting history!

This is from Merriam-Webster:

” The philosophers and scientists of the ancient world and the middle ages believed that the world we inhabit was made entirely up of four elements : earth, air, fire and water. Aristotle added a fifth element, aether or ether, by which he meant the material that fills the rest of space, mostly invisible but sometimes taking the form of stars and planets. Many writers described the element as a kind of invisible light or fire. In the Middle Ages, it was referred to as quinta essentia (“fifth element”) . It isn’t surprising that the quinta essentia came to stand for anything so perfect that it seemed to surpass the limitations of earth. Today we generally use quintessential rather freely to describe just about anything that represents the best of its kind. “

Knowing this new to me information gives a whole new feeling to the word. We do tend to use it freely to describe any old thing we believe to be the best but there is so much more to it! Language matters. Words can contain magic. (science) This is just so cool!

I am one word smarter today πŸ™‚

A-Z Challenge- Positivity

I heart gratitude a lot and while I’m not going to tell you to get yourself a gratitude practice stat! ( I hate toxic positivity) I am going to share a side effect of gratitude because it blew my mind.

I’ve always had a gratitude practice but lets be honest- it was half assed. I’d leave it til the end of my check in and either fall asleep by then or be distracted by something else. So half the time, it wasn’t even being done.

I changed my whole set up recently to really focus on gratitude first and that’s when I noticed I was becoming a cheerier ray of sunshine. And I was feeling good because of that!

Get the flu and have to stay home and on the couch? Oh well, at least I get to read books and watch movies all day. Might as well make the most of it!

Have some scary health problems that mimic cancer symptoms? Hmmm, if this turns out to be BAD and there is an afterlife, I’ve already got some good friends waiting for me.

Thoughts like this have become my norm! I am just not as bothered by stuff as I used to be. Don’t get me wrong, as a person with an active Sh*t List, I still have negative emotions but they don’t run my life as badly as they used to.

The thing of it was this: I’m not just thinking more positive thoughts, I’m really feeling them. They are palpable. An entity of their own with some very pleasing side effects.

I did not know this was even a thing!

A-Z Challenge- Overrun

Do you know about cattails?

Photo by Emily Hopper on Pexels.com

They are a type of reedy marsh plant! My daughter loved to pick them and bring them home. As a nature loving, home schooling mum, I allowed all kinds of things to enter my home. Hell, I STILL pick stuff up to this day and I don’t even have my own kids here anymore.

What I did not know about cattails is that inside the flower of the cattail lie THOUSANDS, maybe even MILLIONS of teeny tiny fluffy seeds.

So when a kid who looks like this:

leaves a cattail on the floor of her bedroom on her heat vent something magical happens.

Cattail fluff flies everywhere! In the original bedroom and in the bathroom.

In the living room. The kitchen. Both other bedrooms.

In the closets. In the crawlspace. In the attic. In the cupboards.

In your drawers. In your bedding. In your clothing. In your hair. In your eyes. In your mouth. In your nose…

Hell, cattail fluff from inside even finds its way outside too!

So yeah. Had I known this, I would have been much more strict about bringing this particular item into the house!

Live and learn. It was actually pretty fun to be entirely overrun!