I is for *I don’t know. A-Z Challenge.

I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.

What does that even mean?

OK, from Wiktionary –Almost always used in negative constructions to describe someone’s ignorance or stupidity, such as: He doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground

Well then, yes! Its true. Oftentimes, I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground.

But maybe not quite in the way that you think.

Ive come to really appreciate not knowing.  I spent an entire year with ” I don’t know” being my theme and it was SO nice. Instead of having to walk about pretending that I had all the answers, I could instead let it all go into the void.

Will my husband have another mental health episode?

I don’t know.

What will I do if he does?

I don’t know.

Is my son using drugs again?

I don’t know.

What will I do if he is?

I don’t know.

Am I going to stay in this marriage?

I don’t know.

Will my grandbaby be born alive?*

I don’t know.

Doesn’t that all sound awful?

Absolutely! But it was also mother trucking liberating to just give all those worries up.

To step into the vast unknown and just be. It gave me time to listen to myself.

To allow the answers to come, on their own. 

To allow for what truly was.

To accept what was instead of trying to control the uncontrollable.

It taught me what was mine and what was not.

And it still does that to this day.

I don’t know , is my most precious daily mantra. My most beloved tool in my mental/spiritual toolbox. The smartest thing I say to myself, and others, on any given day.

I really DON’T know my ass from a hole in the ground.

And that’s just fine.

*If you missed G, yes my grandbaby was born alive. He’s still alive, a year later ❤

H is for * Handsome. A-Z Challenge.

As in the Handsomest Prince!

This is Cornelius.

He is the Original Handsomest Prince. He’s 14 years old, HUGE and he’s also a bit of a dick. As all cats are. No surprise there. He’s afraid of ALL THE THINGS except my grandchildren which is most strange but much appreciated and respected. He still plays like a kitten and can be found yowling every morning at 4am and sleeping all day on my bed upon which he leaves a layer of orange fur that makes me sneeze. Yes I could close my bedroom door but then he wouldn’t be able to lay in the sun and then what kind of cat mum would I be?!

This is Mooshum. The second Handsomest Prince.

He too is 14 years old, acts like a puppy and is exceptional with the grandkids. He’s also very naughty and does a bad thing every day but he’s endlessly amusing and has the biggest, sweetest heart so I don’t mind!

We’ve had Corny since he was a kitten. He was the runt of the litter and now he’s 24 lbs! Solid muscle that cat. He’s my second long lived cat and I hope we get a few more good years out of him. He shows no signs of aging!

We’ve had Mooshy for 4 years, adopting him as a senior dog from SCARS. He was a community dog who someone loved very, very much. It shows in his behavior and in the way he was given up. ( The other dogs were beating him up and his owners were afraid he was going to be killed, so he was taken in by a rescue group doing spays and neuters for a second chance at life. Don’t feel too sad for him. He’s a bit of a dick in that his mouth writes cheques his ass can’t cash! ) He transitioned from being free range to being a house dog in no time and it’s an honor to be his last home. Mooshum is definitely old in body but not in spirit. I hope he lives forever but since I cant have that, I hope he lives well until the end, then dies quick, in his sleep.

Do you have a Handsome Prince in your life? Do tell!

G is for *Grandparenting A-Z Challenge.

This one taught me about ferocious protectiveness, expectations versus reality, loss, insecurity, Oneness, acceptance and renewal. She showed me my mortality. She showed me myself perfectly reflected in her. She showed me love.

A headstrong, goofball wild-child blessing. My Miss Sassafras.

This one taught me to relax into comfort and ease. To love wholeheartedly with security, to watch and admire all with wonder and awe and, that good things come to those who wait, even after a loss.

My bulldozer baby, Mr. OV.

Being a Grandmother is the best role I’ve ever been in. It’s not perfect. Please don’t misunderstand me, its nowhere close to being a perfect experience but it is RICH in all things and FULL of LIFE. I am so grateful to have experienced this stage, as it is. I feel like the Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit, REAL.

I hope you all get the chance to be come REAL too.

Love & Squishy Hugs.

F is For *Favourite Things. A-Z Challenge.

Sadly, unlike Oprah’s favourite things show, this will not be a giveaway post. Nobody is getting a diamond bracelet, or a trip. There is no parking lot full of cars to be gifted out to you, my darling readers. I am sorry! If I could, I would. Of course!

What you will get (hopefully) is inspiration to think about your own favourite things and why those things are your favourites. What do they mean to you? I’m into living simply, that’s for sure BUT I also strongly believe that it’s important to express one’s self through the objects we keep in our lives and there is much we can learn, positive and negative from the things we surround ourselves with.

I saw this at Michael’s Craft store around Halloween and fell madly in love! Why? Well, That is Lotus Pose – my kind of lotus pose! I am not flexible enough to get my feet up either, haha- with hands in Namaste. I am a half assed Buddhist and this is all my jam! But more than that, I love this piece because it is a skeleton and it reminds me to relax fully into life and death. It reminds me that we all suffer, we all die, and we all have great potential to experience peace, calm, love and joy in the meantime. It reminds me of this ” No mud, no lotus” and this ” May I Live Like The Lotus. At Ease In Muddy Water” and this ” Let The Mud Settle” Mantras and lessons and ideas that I find very helpful in my everyday life. Plus, it’s so cute sitting there on my art table, all creepy and such. I get a kick out of freaking people out and then engaging in deep conversations with them, or at least popping positive ideas in their heads about life and such.

My son made me this little owl and I adore it. Of course I do, right? I adore it for another reason. When he brought it home to me he said it wasn’t very good and even though I reassured him that it was “most excellent!” he struggled still and while that totally broke my heart, I understood completely. I am a perfectionist too. So when I look at my owl I’m reminded to go easy on people and go easy on myself.

What? A yellow plate? Hell yes a yellow plate! Food looks better, tastes better and feels better on a sunny yellow plate. This bistro set- plate, salad plate and bowl- by Fiesta ware makes me happy every time I look at it. I have all different colours but I love this one so much I think I might just replace the others and sub in more yellow 🙂 Especially helpful in the drab winter months!

My Hubs bought me these giraffes at a stall in a mall for our anniversary. They are from Kenya, and it was my longest dream to go to the continent of Africa to see the animals, so they served as a reminder and motivation for that. I’d walk past them, give them a stroke and remember. They kept the dream alive in my head and strengthened my resolve each day. They made it seem possible for I had not thought it so before then!And then one day I went! To Tanzania AND Kenya- we popped into the Maasai Mara whilst in the Serengeti- Now, my giraffes remind me that dreams require action, however small, that they are possible and that I’ve seen giraffes ( and lions, and elephants, and hippos, and hyenas, and leopards, and warthogs) and a million other amazing creatures, in the wild and it was amazing.

How would I describe my daughter? Pure love. She’s fierce in her love and open and honest about it. She was born that way and twenty years later, she’s still that way. My girl painted this for me when she was 10 years old and every time I see it I feel loved. I’m also reminded TO LOVE, greater and wider then I have before. My girl inspires me to be a better person and taught me more than I ever could have learned on my own. She says she’s the way she is because of me but I say I’m the way I am because of her!

I used to do this on New Years Eve but have since changed it to my birthday. What is this? I collect notes to myself, receipts from fun times and such, quotes, things I’ve learned, experiences I’ve had and pop them into this FABULOUS bottle I found at Home Sense for twenty bucks. THEN, once a year, I dump them all out and read them. It’s a fun little exercise that shows me just how cool my life really is, how much I’m grown, what I’ve learned and how lucky I am. I highly recommend it!

So that’s that. A few of my favourite things. What is your absolute favourite thing? Why?

E Is For *Everything. A-Z Challenge.

Me to Me during one of my daily check ins: ” What are you grateful for?”


I feel like I need to acknowledge it all, because there are so many things to be grateful for and I’m afraid that if I don’t acknowledge it, I’ll take it for granted.

You can see how this could turn into an obsessive thought.

Ha! It might even BE an obsessive thought NOW!

Whatevs. Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

I just know when I’m nearing my end, its going to be all those little things that fill my heart with love, light and longing. It feels important to me to recognize them. The good and the bad.


D is for *Death. A-Z Challenge

You might think as someone who’s training to be an End of Life Care Doula, I’d be completely comfortable with all things Death related.

Future Worm Food.

I have spent time in a cardboard coffin after all and Death is my number one focus in life, behind reading and food. I must be so chill. I must be so brave and strong. I must not fear anything to do with Death at all!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah … NO.

Just last night, I woke in an absolute panic, chest pounding, mind racing because … I don’t have money set aside to pay for my funeral.

Once I calmed down, I had a good laugh at myself. I can immerse myself in Death but I can’t escape all the complicated emotions that go along with it. I have dreams like this with great regularity. The other night it was men in hooded black robes trying to hack their way into my house with farming tools and the night before that I was trying on some really fashionable shrouds.

I find it worse now actually. The further I delve into my practice, the more things come up for me. I’m grateful because I’d much rather work this stuff out now, than in a frenzied panic on my death bed.

(If I get a death bed. )

Some days, I even declare a “death free” day, as much as I can control that of course, because it all gets to be too much and I need to take a soothing break.

Most days, I’m Ok. I can think about it and read about it and learn about it and while I realize the gravity of it all, I am able to live a normal life, just like everyone else. But some days … some days I am ridden with anxiety and disbelief.


People die.

It happens to the “others”.

It’s going to happen to me too!


What is up with that?

I want to be open because I want other people to know that their feelings of fear et al, are completely normal and can be worked through. I might wake up in a panic sometimes, or cringe when I imagine the world without me but thinking about death and working through those feelings are valuable to me too. It’s a trade off for sure, but I’ve only grown because of it.

Death clarifies life.

It motivates me. If I realize I only have a finite period of time left to do the things I want to do, I’m going to do them! That’s why I went to Peru, even though I was scared to travel alone. That’s why, I went to Tanzania rather than buy myself a car. That’s why I stopped waiting for a perfect time to educate myself . I only have so many years yet. And none of them are guaranteed to be good or comfortable. None of them are guaranteed at all.

It puts all things into perspective. I’m not going to fight with people over stupid sh*t. The energy output is not worth my precious time.

This includes arguments with myself too.

I’d rather spend my time loving rather than hating, and just ignore the nonsense as best as I can. Hell, I even ignore the nasty weather. I hate it, that’s for sure but I’ve found my life is better if I just keep it in the background. Instead I focus on how good hot tea is or how nice fuzzy socks are. ( This is huge for a natural complainer like me. )

Death helps us live in the now, intentionally. I became the captain of my own ship. I choose. I decide. When you live intentionally you take responsibility for everything in your life and that my friends is freedom. Freedom is my jam.

When I live in the now, I’m really living my life, not just coasting through it wondering where the days ( months, years ) went.

So, facing death, even though I am as afraid as anyone can have its benefits.

These are just a few of the things that I think about. If you start using death as your advisor you’ll have your own things too.

It’s all OK. You can be scared AND still think about/ plan for/ talk about Death.

You wont die. Well you will, just not from that. 🙂 ❤

Talk to me about death. Are you fearful? Curious? Indifferent?

Love, & Long Healthy Life & Squishy Hugs!

C Is For *Camping. A-Z Challenge.

I bought this mug the other day and its sitting on my kitchen shelf, calling to me. ” Fill me with booze”

I’m a teetotaller for most of the year but when camping season comes around, I spend my weekends sitting sideways in a plastic Adirondack chair, having a little drinkie poo out of a coffee mug.

I guess its a good thing, I can only camp and sit outside comfortably for a few months out of the year! I do other things whilst camping too though!

What other things? I like to go for early morning hikes in my nightie, leggings and hoody.

I like to take naps. I like to eat ALL THE THINGS. My favourite thing being, fajitas cooked over the fire.

^Not fajitas but still good! Yes, that’s one meal. For me. One person. Camping requires great sustenance.

I like to walk through the campground and snoop on my neighbours. I play Spot the Airstream and dream of the day when one is MINE, ALL MINE!

I like to drag my Hubs on hikes and walk through mud puddles in my bare feet because I only ever hike in flip flops while camping.

We both like to ride our bikes like hooligans through the trails and pretend we’re hardcore mountain bikers. Hey! We’ve got mud on our bikes, true story.

I like to take photos of EVERYTHING.

I like waking up to absolute silence as the morning light shines into the trailer feeling so grateful to be wherever I am.

I like sitting on a bench watching the water if I’m near a lake and hoping that a bear or a wolf saunters down for a drink. It hasn’t happened yet but it will. I’m sure of it 🙂

I like to listen as the birds start their song and the campers wake up to start their fires and brew their coffee and fry their bacon.

I love planning out our recipes, and scrolling Pinterest for new tips and tricks.

I love all the new dogs I meet and the kids that race around like maniacs. FREEDOM!

My first camping trip was with a friend as a child. I was so grateful to be invited (camping was not done in my family) and that one experience set off a hunger and appreciation inside me that has never left.

Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Besides that pivitol first trip- where I roamed like a wild child for three days- my most memorable trips have both been in Tofino,BC.

On the first, I was sleeping on the beach and a cougar woke me up for a staring contest in the night. *shiver!

On the second one we were visited by Ravens who left their footprints all over our mist dampened towels and a Bear, stroked my head with it’s body as it walked past my tent.

How lucky am I? I’ve experienced the coolest things! ❤

My worst trip was the night it rained dumpsters as opposed to buckets and I forgot 1. the frying pan. 2. the tarps.

Did I tell you it was during the middle of a thunder storm and the kids and I were trapped in the tent while the Hubs (who is not a fan to begin with) went to purchase said forgotten items? The lightening would snap and crackle and boom away above us while my 3 year old whispered “I’m scared”.

Photo by Fancycrave.com on Pexels.com

It was wet and damp the WHOLE time ( we were at Golden Ears Park in Maple Ridge, BC amongst the tall shady trees ) and my daughter peed her bed, soaking it further the very next night. Abort. Abort. Abort!

Nowadays, we’re in a trailer (so much better. I don’t care what anyone says. It IS SO real camping) and the comfort level is much higher. I spend most of my time out by the fire anyway.

I could and do spend hours just sitting there, thinking and drinking. Talking and laughing. Staring at the fire. I love chopping wood and slicing kindling. I love experimenting with different fire methods and keeping my survival skills sharp. My Hubs and I even “fight” over who gets to make the fire, we love it that much. Ha Ha!

I had big plans to restore the Hoopty- our 1983 Vanguard- but now I think we’re going to sell the crapper to our son in law and buy something a little newer and start fresh. Or maybe the camping Goddess will gift me with a decent Airstream to focus on…only time will tell. In the meantime you will always find me wandering the woods or cradling a naughty coffee cup in my chair 🙂

Do you like camping? What was your most memorable- good or bad- camping trip?!