New Year. Same Awesome You.

Happy New Year!

I love the fresh start of a new year but I detest all that “New Year, New You” bullshit.

It feels violent towards the self.

It feels like – YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! FIX YOURSELF!- and I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve already wasted TOO MANY of my good years on that scam. I’m not doing it anymore. I just can’t.

How can I claim to love who I am and then try and change who I am?

It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am a perfect being of…light…energy…spirit…whatever you want to call it, and YOU ARE TOO!

Yes, I’m yelling. I feel strongly about this one.

It just seems like such a waste of precious time. We only get so long to live and I don’t want to waste it bullying myself with a hate campaign disguised as self improvement.

So instead I use this time of year to refocus and refresh.

I choose a word that I use as a guidepost throughout the year and my 2020 word is:

FLOW

Flow came to me over the Summer. I was enjoying life, flitting from one thing to another without an anxious thought or judgement. Simply living in the moment, mindful of the moment and nothing else. I had been in flow for about a month before realizing what it was and because it felt so good, I thought it’d make a good word for the next year.

So here I am, in flow.

This word serves as a reminder to let things go. To focus on what is at hand. To let the thoughts come and go as they will. To take each second as it comes with full acceptance. To step into the flow of life with gratitude for the experience and see where it takes me.

I’m excited for this one! It feels like freedom.

Do you choose a word to start off your year? Care to care?!

How about resolutions? I found a really great take on resolutions here for those of you who like to make them.

May your 2020 be everything you wish for ❤

A Sad Goodbye.

Beloved

Carolyn was diagnosed with breast cancer, almost four years ago.

At first she was told it was stage two and most likely completely curable.

Two months after that, it was not.

The cancer jumped straight to stage four and all treatment was stopped to be replaced with something of a more palliative nature.

It all seemed good at first. Sure, there is no other stage past four but some people live years with metastatic breast cancer. Surely that’s how it would be for her!

And it was, mostly, with little squibbles here and there, until the cancer got into her bones, ate away her spine and required surgery to literally shore her up with rods and cement. That was in the late Spring of this year.

My darling friend Carolyn, died yesterday.

I read the news this morning and was hit instantly by the heavy tiredness of grief. I am so sad she’s not of this earth anymore and I’m so sad for her family.

I’m glad she’s been released from all her suffering. May she be safe in the arms of her ancestors.

I met Carolyn, many years ago, through another blog I had at the time. I cant even remember when but I’m pretty sure it was over ten years ago!

We hit it off straight away and had a great internet friendship for the longest time, until I finally went to meet her in real life one day.

I went, by myself, to a stranger’s house, in a whole other country.

Ha!

And had the greatest time! Her family treated me like gold and I was lucky to return the favour a year or two later.

Carolyn had the greatest laugh. Big and booming.

She smiled and laughed, a lot.

She was welcoming . So welcoming she invited a stranger to her home. Ha Ha!

She could make you feel safe and reassured and complete in who you were. She accepted every part of who a person was.

She was silly, goofy and funny as hell.

Carolyn was sharp and quick and clever and witty.

She was WISE. Oh wow was she ever wise. She was patient and kind and understanding and tolerant too.

She loved her kids and she loved her grandkids. Those girls look just like her 🙂 Carolyn had pretty blonde hair, curly! And the most amazing blue eyes.

She loved animals too and was owned by many a cat and dog. When I went for my internet stranger sleepover we slept on her deck, in a tent, with her cats and wee little dogs 🙂

People everywhere just loved her, she was a rock to many of us. She was loyal and supportive. She had integrity.

For almost four years Carolyn fought her illness bravely and with cheer most of the time. She was able to change her diet completely in her quest to live longer for her family, even though she was a sugar fiend, just like me 🙂 I hope, wherever she is now, she’s having herself some cake! I’m baking cupcakes today in her honour ❤ Butter, sugar, fat. LOVE.

She was also authentic and honest about it all, too. She told me cancer was a mind fuck and that dying really fucking hurt.

Oh it all breaks the heart.

Hug your loved ones then get out there and live the heck out of your life.

Everyone Should Keep A List…(#6)

Of all the little things they love!

  1. A freshly tidied house!
  2. Rich & cheerful Autumn Leaves.
  3. Spooooky skeletons!
  4. Peaceful sleeping dogs.
  5. Funny animal videos.
  6. A good visit with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile.
  7. A big mug of hot and tasty tea.
  8. Elderberry syrup.
  9. Sneak cat attacks.
  10. My monthly Universal Yums box.
  11. A big bowl of homemade Butter Paneer.
  12. Gigantic hoodies.
  13. Gigantic socks.
  14. The anticipation of the first big snow storm.
  15. All the flowers that are still hanging in there, this late in the season.
  16. The spiders as they start to make their way indoors.
  17. The smell of dirt and outside that the Hubs brings in with him when he comes home from work.
  18. A good hair and face day. (Ha!)
  19. Freshly slicked up skin.
  20. Getting lost in the strange vortex that is YouTube.

How about you? Won’t you play along too? On your blog or in the comments. What are some of the little things you’re loving lately?!

Everyone Should Keep A List…#5

Of all the little things they love!

  1. Being woken by a storm in the morning.
  2. When my Crow friends seek me out in the window…

3. Racing the volatile June weather. Sometimes I make it home in time…sometimes I don’t!

4. Drying all my herbs and roots!

5. Spring flowers!

6. Making friends with wild Ravens:

7. Sitting comfortably outside to read my books, watch the sky or just be.

8. When everybody gets along and the general energy amongst all is good cheer.

9. Gigantic salads for dinner. This one HERE, was particularly good. Mind you I didn’t bother with slicing the lettuce into a slab- I chopped it up because who wants to fuss eating a salad with a freaking knife and fork!?- and the recipes says peaches but if you look at the recipes their very own photo shows nectarines… I used nectarines too!

10. Dorky hats. I didn’t buy this super cool fishing hat because I have a million floppy hats but still…floppy hats are just fun!

11. Getting good mail. Packages, surprise cheques, letters or cool catalogues.

12. Feeling the very wet underside of my little dog as she jumps all over me, after she’s been outside in the rain.

13. Having an animated chat with my daughter on the phone.

14. Funny texts from my son that tell me he’s come back to me. It seems I have my boy back. Not the drug addicted human but the boy I know and love.

15. My first moto ride of the season even if it was two hours TOO long and my body hurt for days, ha ha.

16. Hoop earrings I can close with a simple and satisfying click.

17. That compact feeling you get when you’ve been consistent with your core exercises and good posture.

18. Cat frog legs and toe beans!

19. The sun shining in my eyes at 930 PM (!!!!) forcing me to put my sunglasses on to read in my house, ha ha. I adore these nights leading to to Solstice. I stay up so late because I’m just not tired at my usual time with the sun still blaring away at me. This year I’m giving myself over to it. I’m letting myself fall into step with the cycles of the earth.

20. SOLSTICE!!! 95 days of Summer( here in the Northern hemisphere. )Well, technically sure. But in actuality…after these first few days these Summer days start getting shorter and the weather starts making it’s turn toward Autumn. Enjoy the sun and the warmer days while you still can. I don’t think I’ve worn shoes in weeks, ha ha, even with the rain. Do I sound negative? Not my intention! I’m trying to remind myself of the impermanence of all things and that I need to make the most of Summer while it’s here. Maybe that will help me come Autumn. Fingers crossed!

OK, now it’s your turn. Tell me, what are some of the little things you love?

Monday Memes- Germs, Swearing & Rudeness!

Happy Monday! It’s a long weekend here and I am “enjoying” this little one:

I say “enjoying” because after FOUR WHOLE DAYS with a 14 month old, it’s actually “enduring” ha! Toddlers are a lot of work! How did I ever have my own? How do any of us? Even my bestie- a child care PROFESSIONAL- is a little in awe of us. She thinks we’re brave…

He goes home today and while his current nickname is The Terrorist, he’s been most excellent for someone with such high needs. He’s napping now so I can say that ;P I know five seconds after he leaves I’ll miss him <3. And how lucky am I to have full and easy access to him? Pretty damn lucky!

I bought a flat of strawberries on Friday. I froze them all up -made some jam too!- and am thinking about all the yummy things I’m going to make with them:

Ha!

I love me a man who swears and this human is a particularly fine one 🙂

My birds are so hilariously bold now! The Crow visits me every so often and calls to me to come out. I am very well trained! The Blue Jays sit in the tree and stare in at me, if they cant find me in one room, they fly to another window and the Magpies seem pretty content to just ignore me. I bought some seed for the little birds so we’ll see how they react. As it is now they like to take me out at the knee in the yard by flying straight past me as I walk by…little asses! So far no Mockingbirds though 😛

Rude!

I hope your Monday is going well and if it’s not I hope it goes quickly for you so you can start fresh on Tuesday!

Love and Squishy Hugs!

Y is for *You. A-Z Challenge

Hello You!

How are you doing today? I want you to know you are amazing.

You’re not perfect?

Yeah, neither am I.

Nobody is, just so you know.

Anyway, this is just a quick little note to say YOU are awesome and I wish you nothing but the best in life, death and whatever happens after all that.

You really are.
I used to find Mr. Rogers so CORNY now I appreciate and value his love and kindness. Mr. Rogers really does like YOU, just the way you are.

Love, Me.

V is for *Vulnerability. A-Z Challenge.

Gah! Just typing the word skeeves me out.

Vulnerability.

You might not be able to tell at this present time but I have used to have a hard lacquered shell over my heart.

I grew it myself over the years in response to:

A. Being born a highly sensitive person.

B. Experiencing both ongoing and sudden trauma.

My hard shell has served me well. ( POETRY!) It was a necessary tool I used to protect myself. It gave me a feeling of power, control, comfort and safety.

It helped me as I built resilience and courage. It helped me as I cultivated my fierce sense of honesty, authenticity and integrity.

And then it started working against me and cut me off from intimacy and truth , truth. Connection and freedom.

It be like that sometimes.

Lucky for me, my hard shell was actually a fragile thing. It was smashed to the ground and shattered a few years ago.

That event left me shocked and reeling. Unable to hide. Exposed.

Completely vulnerable.

It was awful.

But it was also awesome because I kind of “levelled up” if you will. I grew exponentially within myself. Something that would have never happened had I been wearing that really tight and limiting shell.

I was forced to finally admit that I while, yes, I am still a bad ass. I am not all that tough. I actually do have feelings. LOTS OF THEM.

I have a very squishy heart. My insides are full of marshmallow fluff.

YES!!!

Most people saw through my tough act anyhow. I wasn’t really hiding anything. Mostly I just made a fool out of myself, ha ha.

I was as human as anybody else!

So, I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve had to learn how to show my heart, how to live through my heart and how to protect myself as needed, by other means. (Boundary setting and lots of self love)

This whole blog is an expression of living through my heart!

Being vulnerable still scares me of course and it still takes lots of work to stick with. That’s where really where my strength lies. That’s really where my toughness is. Because while my heart is soft and marshmellowy, while it’s squishy and silly, it is also stubborn and fierce and brave.

My hero!

What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Is it easy for you? Do you cringe too? What does vulnerability mean to you?