Trust-2019

Every year I choose a word or a phrase to use as a short of guidepost and inspiration for the upcoming 365 days. 

In the past my focus has been on love and truth. One year I did fun and last year I chose a phrase – I don’t know- to help me with uncertainty.

This year I choose trust. And as soon as I choose the word, an opportunity to practice it was presented to me.

Two, actually. I just LOVE that!

I was in the mall, one frequented by the elderly.( You know the type ) When a slightly unkempt man started to make a fuss. Talking to himself in distress ” This is JUST great!” he says, throwing his hands up in the air. I kept walking, ignoring him because the dude seems a little unhinged. Something was off. 

Well of course dude approaches me. They always do. I’m a magnet for weirdos. ” Excuse me?!” Fuck. I keep walking but raise an eyebrow at him and off he goes! Into a long spiel about how he’s called the police numerous times and is getting no help and he’s lost this and he’s lost that and he really needs help. Its a bullshit, cockeyed story. Dude is trying to scam me for money. I cut straight to the chase ” You want money?” Yeah, he nods at me. “Not gonna happen. The bus driver might let you on for free if you ask nicely though” and off I go. Trusting in my wisdom and not falling for his nonsense, I alerted security and they called the cops, so yay for that!

Now, I’m used to trusting my wisdom when it comes to situations like that. I have plenty of practice! ( The stories I could tell … ) What I’m not skilled at is trusting in the opposite direction. Trusting that other humans mean well. 

Enter opportunity numero dos!

I’m sitting at the bus station, minding my business when the older lady beside me strikes up a conversation. We start yapping. Soon we’re fast friends,  older versions of drunk girls in bathroom bars. Ha ha!

Her bus comes and she reaches into her bag and pulls out another bag, filled with obviously homemade doughnuts. ” Take these. I made them this morning and tucked them in my bag to give to someone along the way” she says to me kindly. I graciously accept, touched by sweetness and pop them in my own bag. Off she goes. Her name was Olga.

Now OLD Lael, would have tossed that bag of treats straight in the garbage. How would she know if they were safe to eat or not, right? Yeah, Olga seemed lovely and kind but could I really be sure? Nope.

Here’s the thing though: We can NEVER really be sure. About anything. Or anyone. Nothing is in our control. Nothing is certain. Now was I going to toss the doughnuts OR use this neat encounter to practice my 2019 word?

Enter … New Lael.


Being the bad ass soul warrior that I am, I leapt at the chance to trust. Also, doughnuts! 

They were delicious and perfectly safe. I didn’t die. I didn’t get food poisoning. I enjoyed a treat from a new friend and felt the shackles loosen a bit from around my heart.

So yes, I engaged in an act of trust with another human but more importantly, I engaged in an act of trust with MYSELF.

I trusted that I was a good judge of character in that moment. I trusted my instincts and I trusted my intellect. I trusted my HEART.  

I aim to do more of that in 2019. I’m just so curious to see where else this word takes me.

How about you? Do you chose a word for the new year? Do tell?! 

Happy New Year! 2019

We made it! Well, some of us. Its such a gift to live to see another day.

I honestly feel really uncomfortable saying that. I know for a fact a lot of people don’t think another day is a gift. Another day of suffering. Woohoo. *eye roll. Shelter, food and safety would be the real gift. Good health would be another.

I live with someone who thinks his life has gone on way too long and considers death, the real gift. The impulse to scold him or try and “inspire” him to change his mind is strong. I’ve since learned its actually pretty fucking hurtful, annoying and not the least bit helpful to do so. Not to mention totally disrespectful and reeking of my good privilege. Gah!

How’s this: If you’re happy and grateful to have another day, YAY! Let’s do this!

If having another day brings you nothing but sorrow and suffering. I’m sorry. May you be free from suffering. I love you.

You all know what camp I’m in! I am excited and grateful for another day, another week, another month , another year. Hopefully I get all those!

You see, I’ve got some plans 🙂 Some things I’m looking forward to.

  1. Its six months until Lune, my birthday month. One whole month devoted to Moi. An entire month of intentionally devoting my days to the joy of being me in this world. I highly recommend all people celebrate themselves this way. 1. its fun 2. the very act of doing so shows others that you know you are worthy of respect and love 3. you get to act the fool for a month and GET AWAY WITH IT 4. you totally deserve it! 5. It really fosters a loving relationship with yourself, over time. You might feel silly at first but it wont be long before you’re planning fucking trips to Europe for your 50th. 6. It spills out positively in other areas of your life.
  2. Planning my garden. I want to grown some more unusual -for me- things this year. And I cannot wait to eat the shit out of my asparagus patch ❤
  3. Being all creative. I’ve got an idea for some paintings and some bracelets and some scarves and some decorations and some rocks…
  4. Book Club! We’ve got some good books picked out and the ladies in the club are just the BEST. I’m excited to get to know them better. I’m excited for more fun and shenanigans!
  5. Mr. OV and Ms. Sassafras turn one and five. I’m excited to watch them as they grow and develop further.
  6. Walking and hiking in nicer weather. Our winter thus far has been lovely! If only people would CLEAR THE FUCKING ICE OFF THEIR SIDEWALKS! Ahem. Sorry. I’m looking forward to stress free walking and hikes in the woods.
  7. Our road trip to a little mountain town and a couple of zips on a coaster!
  8. Getting back on my Hubs motorcycle. It feels so good to zoom through the warm air with nothing between me and the sky but my clothing.
  9. All the little holidays and celebrations that are coming up.
  10. Family dinner, lunches and brunches.
  11. Meals out with friends.
  12. My big solo trip to one of my favourite places on Earth. Just me, my ocean and my trees. Back to my Sea Witch roots 🙂
  13. Opening up my big jar of good memories for the year.
  14. Becoming my own boss. I mean I am, already. I just don’t get paid for it. Ha ha. I’m talking about earning all the moola as my own boss.
  15. More bird song. Kinda like more cow bell.
  16. Every new recipe I’m going to try.
  17. Every new drink the coffee places bring out this year.
  18. More time with the people who love me.
  19. The funny memes that make me laugh, the inspirational quotes that shore me up and the poems that empower me.
  20. The moments of wonder in Nature that stop me and fill my heart and soul.
  21. Lazy days of reading.
  22. Hectic days of doing ALL THE THINGS!
  23. Camping. Hopefully. If we get a new hoopty or fix the old one.
  24. Becoming stronger, stable and more bendy.
  25. Those weird little moments in life that make you think and feel.

Geesh! I could go on and on 🙂 Now, its your turn! What are you looking forward to?


I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours?

  1. Name the hardest thing you experienced this year?
  2. Name the easiest!
  3. What friendships inspired you the most?
  4. Where and how were you most helpful in this world?
  5. What brought out a sense a wonder in you ?
  6. What was your greatest mistake?
  7. What was your greatest success?
  8. What scared the crap out of you?
  9. When were you brave?
  10. How did you best love yourself?
  11. How did you best love others?
  12. Name one embarrassing moment!
  13. Brag about one thing shamelessly
  14. What was your biggest lesson in 2018?

I love lists and I love reflecting. Won’t you join me in doing so? Take my questions and answer them here or on your own blog. (Please be sure to link back to me so I can see them!)

  1. Name the hardest thing you experienced this year? Choosing between people I liked, loved even, and my strong moral code. The choosing wasn’t hard, I knew what I was doing was right, it was hard because I went against the wishes of people and that hurt them. My work child and her mum, especially.
  2. Name the easiest! Spending time with and loving the stuffing out of my grandbabies. Enjoying my pets and finally having enough in me to give them their due!
  3. What friendships inspired you the most? I have a friend, I met at work who is the softest, kindest, least judgemental person on the planet. Just being with her, is like being in a perma-hug. We’ve never been close but this year, she really figured prominently in my life with her kind words and her soothing way of being. She inspired me to keep opening myself up to softness and vulnerability.
  4. Where and how were you most helpful in this world? With people. My main agenda in life is to inspire, empower and encourage others. I am your biggest fan. A perpetual cheerleader.
  5. What brought out a sense a wonder in you ? Nature. Always Nature. In particular the sky and the animals I met in Tanzania.
  6. What was your greatest mistake? Staying at my job longer than my expiration date and living in the past.
  7. What was your greatest success? Quitting my job to shock of EVERYONE who knows me and travelling as my weird and witchy self 🙂
  8. What scared the crap out of you? Flying into and landing at an airport in a wee plane, sideways. All skitchy and out of control!
  9. When were you brave? All of last year. Every day. Living each moment. Experiencing the unknown.
  10. How did you best love yourself? I spent the last year, keeping my promises, listening to my body, heart, soul and mind and really cultivating boundaries and a personal code of honour.
  11. How did you best love others? I have tried my best to become a better listener and to love people exactly as they are.
  12. Name one embarrassing moment! Ha! The time I got “trapped ” in a washroom in Amsterdam behind a door I was pushing on when I should have been pulling. It had a very strong magnet as well as a lock so when I did try to pull it, I wasn’t using enough force. I called out to the loooong line of ladies waiting in the common area and they assisted me. *groan!
  13. Brag about one thing shamelessly! I am brave, kind, loving and wise. I am a badass divine being of light. (You are too)
  14. What was your biggest lesson in 2018? You have to take full responsibility for your life and everything in it. Your experience is entirely up to you. You own you. You owe you. Blaming other people is just a waste of your precious time. If you want something YOU have to make it happen. YOU are responsible for your own happiness…your own … everything!

Ok. Now its your turn!

Holiday Traditions ala Me.

I’m somewhat Witchy these days and a lot of my traditions really stem from my heathen/pagan/nature worshippin’ ways. The older I get, the more “me” I become, which is most interesting because sometimes I look at myself and think – Who ARE you anyway?- Its most fun to become one’s truest self.

My Yule starts with the Solstice, which takes place in the northern hemisphere on December 21, 2018 at ohhh….3:23 PM. My first order of business:

Wake and thank Chaos and Order for bringing back the light.

Watch the sun rise, from beginning to end.

Light ALL my candles and do a happy dance at 3:23 PM. I always feel so grateful for the slow and steady return of longer days. I am a fair weather person with a wonky brain, the returning light means I’ll suffer less and enjoy more.

Enjoy a special meal, something “earthy”. For me this is anything with mushrooms but it has to be healthy. I was going to make a hot mushroom salad this year but my Hubs is not keen on that so we’re having mushroom pizza, ha ha. Sometimes in life you have to compromise. We’ll have the salad another day and besides I’d really rather have something I don’t have to cook, on a Friday night after grocery shopping anyway!

I watch the sunset from beginning to end no matter where I am.

In the evening, by candlelight, I have myself a sit, and then reflect upon the dark, the light and set my intentions for the next seasons. I promptly forget then five seconds after I’m done but still…I think they swim around in there and affect positive change somehow.

My dream for this day is to have a yard big enough to have a bonfire in. One day….oh! And while we’re dreaming, I’d also love a fireplace or woodstove for a Yule log too. Next year I’m going to make a buche de noel because … cake!! AND because the buche de noel takes the place of the Yule log which was kept burning all night on Solstice’s past. It has a really cool history. 

There all sorts of Pagan traditions mixed in amongst the Christmas stuff … a little fact I take great pleasure in, especially when I hear all the nonsense about the so called war on Christmas.

Little by little Yule is coming back to life in my family. More and more people I know are celebrating it as such too. We have to do the things that have meaning to our lives. Celebrating the Holidays as they are now was slowly killing off my soul. Screw that!

How do you celebrate? Are you a cultural renegade too? What traditions do you have that are not of the norm?


Yule Do You.

Right?!

I’m playfully bonking you all on the head RIGHT NOW!

With five days until Yule, six until my family dinner and eight until Present Day I’ve been thinking about all that I have left to do.

Bake and package treats.  Finalize and prepare for FIVE meals. Complete shopping for one husband, daughter, son, daughter in law, son in law, granddaughter. Wrap presents for one husband, daughter, son, daughter in law, son in law and granddaughter. 

That’s not so bad, is it? Totally doable. In the in between time I plan to knit and read and watch movies. Oh and bonk people over the head with empty wrapping paper tubes!

I’m not usually this calm. So colour me surprised! I think I’ve finally realized that anxiety is not a very healthy motivation tool. The work still gets done. And I really don’t have to be a frantic mess to do it. 

Celebrating the season as Yule helps too. It feels honest and authentic to me. Who knew a name change would have such a positive effect? 

How are you handling the season? Are you calm and at peace, or freaking out?

Holiday Traditions- Advent

I write about candy A LOT, don’t I? Sorry, not sorry.

As a child I don’t remember having an Advent calendar. We weren’t religious and advent is a religious thing, I do believe, so that’d be why. Plus, I grew up mostly financially poor. There would have been no moola for such things.

I got them periodically for my own kids, as a cultural/countdown thing and ya know how THAT goes! Eaten all within a day or forgotten about and left to go stale. Gross by any account because the chocolates were those cheap waxy ones, yuck!

Now you can get much better quality not to mention there are countdown calendars with more then jst chocolate! A person could get beer, or make up, ties or lego. The possibilities are probably limitless.

I like to stick with chocolate:

Roger’s  Chocolates is a Canadian company and their customer service is MOST excellent. There was an issue with my locked gate and the delivery service but it wasn’t an issue for long, thanks to Betty Ann. She called me personally to solve the problem- before I was even aware that there may be a problem – and was sincere and lovely in all our encounters. Not only was Betty Ann a gem, I got the feeling the entire chain of command cared about me too. The whole experience was such a treat, especially in today’s world. 

Their products are good too but honestly, even if they were crap I’d still buy them. Just to do my part to keep places and people as delightful as Betty Ann and her team, in business. Ha Ha. ( Try their Victoria Creams! )

My new morning routine is as such:

Get Up. Take blood pressure. Drink coffee. Melt one delicious chocolate in my eager mouth. Eat breakfast.

What am I ever going to do when this is all over? Somebody please invent a reason to eat chocolate every day?

Oh wait! I’m alive.

That’s reason enough for me! 

What’s something you do unapologetically? (Who would we apologize to anyway? The whole idea of that seems so silly, doesn’t it? ) How often do you think about death? 

Family Dinner, Bullies and Pie.

For the first time in a long ass time, the Hubs and I had everyone over for dinner. Just because. As of late our family has been fractured. Disconnected. 

First there was ( and is ) my son’s drug addiction. Then there was The Great Marriage/Mental Health Fiasco of ’16. We’ve been struggling! Grasping at what was. Hurting with what is. Longing for what could be. 

But fear not! A shift has occurred, as shifts do and somehow – I’m unable to pinpoint it all exactly – our family is coming back together, once again.

Dinner went well! There was food- mac n cheese, roasted sausages, mixed vegetables- there were laughs-lots of good natured “roasting” lots of chasing the kids around, lots of jokes and silliness, there were grandkids..

and there was pie!

When I was making said pie, I was triggered by a memory of a former life. 

My very first job after having my son was in this crappy little bakery, tucked away in the back corner of a garden shop. I was a clerk. I sold treats, sliced bread, made sandwiches, washed dishes and sometimes got to bake cookies.

It would have been an alright job had it not been for one of my co-workers. A spoiled, rich asshole and son of the owners. A man prone to temper tantrums. Legit, tantrums. The kind a toddler would have.

So I’m working away up front, his mother is in the office and Dickhead is in the back doing baker things. I’ve got customers in the shop and we’re all distracted from our calm by the sound of metal clanging and things flying around , followed by the slamming of a door. What the…??? I know what’s going on but the customers don’t so they very quickly finish up and take their leave, visibly disturbed by the commotion. I don’t even remember what I said to them…probably nothing. I have no idea WHAT the problem was this time but from past experience, but I’m sure we’ll ALL hear about later.

Dickhead comes back in after a while – Shawn! His name was Shawn!- Anyway, Dickhead comes back in and the mystery of why is solved. I hear him talking to his mum about how his egg whites wont build because apparently I didn’t wash the bowl properly- grease in your meringue bowl impedes lift-  and how I’m an idiot and this and that and on and on. He’s totally raging and trashing me, saying the vilest of things. 

This is all said out loud with no regard for privacy. I can hear every word. Mommy is trying to calm him down and placate him and he eventually chills and tries to make it all again, saying nothing to me. Nobody says anything to me! Which makes the whole thing even more awkward. 

I carry on with my job, tense as fuck, not knowing what I should do in any direction. I’m not the only one who does dishes in that place! Do I say something? What should I do? Ahhhh! I hate this! I have to walk past Dickhead much later and he is still simmering with rage. So much so that, as I pass him he spits out at me ” You stupid fucking cunt!”

Whaaaaaat?! 

Now, present day Lael would have stopped whatever she was doing, gathered up her belongings and walked out the front door, never to be seen again. No question.

Past Lael wasn’t as wise. Or as brave. What did I do? I ignored him. Which I guess is a defense in itself. But then I kept on working there until I eventually quit because Dickhead started sexually harassing me.

OY!

The thing of it is, I didn’t tell anyone about that first incident. Why? I felt ashamed. Like his asshole behavior was a reflection of me. Maybe I really did do a shitty job of washing the bowl…I was paralyzed with fear and doubt and …the ickiness that comes from being around adults who have temper tantrums and treat people like garbage. Of course, even if it was my fault, is a poorly washed bowl ANY justification for being so aggressive and awful to another human? Nope! Of course not! I wish I had said something to someone, I know now I would have gained wisdom and clarity. But live and learn!

Silence is NOT golden. Silence is isolating. I’m grateful for the lesson.

I’d love to go back in time to redo THAT experience. In a way now, every time I speak up, stand up and take myself out of a toxic situations, I am! 

All this from pie 🙂 

Which was delicious! I found the recipe online, here. 

Have you ever been in a situation like that? Have you ever thought back and wondered WHY you put up with something so obviously toxic? What did you learn in hindsight?