Thank you SO much for your patience with the dead air here on HeartStyle and my personal inattention! Something happened last week that switched my brain into sad mode, so … I was sad and let those feelings reign.
This weekend wasn’t sad though. I woke up on Saturday and it was SUNNY! It’s been storming for AGES here and the day felt like waking up to Spring all over again. So I read an excellent book and went for an excellent walk and bought a Slurpee that was SUPPOSED to be excellent but was not.
Because instead of Lime, I got MELON. Yuck! I should have known by the colour. The sign said Lime but it was lies. ALL LIES!
OH well, it was cool and I was hot!
On Sunday, we went to K-Days here in the city and that was fun. We walked around and ate all the things:
These are just what I took pics of. I also had a brisket sandwich and a Butterbeer cone and a Beaver Tail…I may have to go back for the fried chicken skin! We got into K-Days for FREE thanks to our library cards. So thanks EPL! We had fun and I appreciate the treat! ( K-Days are formally known as Klondike Days and it’s basically an exhibition and fair)
Sooooo, what made me so sad?
One of my husband’s drivers was killed in a crash while working.
He was on his last trip of the week, heading home.
He was young and married to his beloved. He loved motorcycles and cats.
His death was so shocking to everyone. Like a lightening strike out of the blue. And so damn sad. The rainy, stormy weather at the time definitely matched the hearts of all who learned the news.
This experience taught me a lot. My end of life doula skills came in handy in supporting my husband and hopefully through him, the driver’s wife, but sudden death is a whole other thing all together. I knew that….but I did not KNOW that. I’m forever grateful for the lesson.
And you know, it felt “good” to be sad. To allow myself to be sad. I didn’t know this fellow but he was still a part of my everyday life through my hubs. It felt like feeling sad was a way to honour that he had lived. It felt like a very important thing to do.
Today the rest of us are alive, and the sun is shining again.It’s supposed to be HOT. No thunderstorms for the next little bit but just in case:
I kind of like the idea of yelling Bring it on ASSHOLE to a tornado, ha! That’s a whole mood right there 🙂 As is the last don’t too…everything changes.
This is also a MOOD! Although you know, I was outside with tons of people yesterday and I loved it! I think fairs are one of my favorite things. The delicious smells, the clacks and clicks and clangs of all the rides. The music blasting. The little kids. The people dressed in all sorts of different get ups…Mind you give me TOO much of that^ and I’m right back to this meme again, ha ha.
Well. THAT answers that question. 🙂 Have you ever seen bear poop? It’s pretty neat stuff, especially during berry season. I accidently touched it once when I was checking to see how old it was. One of my many claims to fame 😛
I haven’t tried that new aging app thingy because all I need for that is the mirror but still, this made me laugh. Then cringe. Then ponder…
Only if you’re lucky. My newest, fondest wish is that I die peacefully in my sleep. That’s my wish for all of us. Happy being alive day, to YOU ❤
The world is a Dumpster Fire at the moment and it’s been really getting to me. I am an anxious, pissed off, exhausted mess.
With yesterday’s energy hangover from four days with my squishy faced boy, it was especially bad. Had the world been hit by an asteroid, I would have been happy to go 🙂 but today after some rest and self care, I seem to be back to my normal self.
(The next time you’re “in a mood” remember that rest, food, water and self love are a curative thing and take care of yourself before you write yourself and the whole word off ❤ )
I’m still angry, tired and scared but with my energy stores refueled I know I can get through it all. Besides, all is impermanent.
Thank Goddess for that! Because see above re: Dumpster Fire.
( I am SO curious about HOW though! Will people finally come to their senses soon? Natural progression of our world? War? Civil uprising of everyone hurt by this racist system ? Civil uprising of *PWU and their allies? Gaia finally has enough and shakes us all off? )
*People with Uteri
I really, really, REALLY, REALLY,REALLY, hope this is all just the final push before we evolve into a better, more enlightened group of humans but I just don’t know and I can’t control any of it.
It would be easy to say I’m just focussing on the negative but holy hell, there is a LOT if negative shit happening! I may not be able to control it but I CAN control myself -mostly- and so I’ve joined the Pro-Life Coalition and a few underground networks working to help people with uteruses get the medical care they need. I’m very busy online being a strong voice for choice, body autonomy and all the rest too.
I’m educating myself better on racism and stopping to observe police interactions with POC whenever I come across them, and I’m calling out hatred, discrimination and injustice when I see it too. People think Canada is a safe place with very little racism…yeah…NO! It’s always been there, hidden under our polite veneer. I don’t know whether to thank the Orange Asshat for inspiring such openness or revile him as usual. I guess it’s “easier” to fight when it’s out in the open but it’s awful all the same.
I’m doing my small part to be a responsible citizen of the Earth and not damage our natural mother any further. Plastic! UGH! We are absolutely surrounded by it! It all just makes me want to cry.
I call out and educate where I can about all kinds of different things -take your pick, there are many to choose from!
I’m practicing mindfulness and open friendly compassion for all. Especially those who are hurting others. Even though I’d really like to punch them straight in the fucking teeth. ( Just in case you think I’m some sort of saintly human…)
I know that while none of this is enough to change this fucked up situation we’re in, if each of us DOES SOMETHING, the collective CAN and WILL affect positive change.
I can’t sit by and watch the world burn. I can’t sit by and watch people suffer.
It’s very tempting to turn it all off. Avoid all media. Stop talking to my fellow humans. It’s OH SO TEMPTING to switch myself into Super-Duper Positive Lael, the being I turn into during times of stress who ignores all the badstuff and lies to herself about what she’s witnessing and feeling. Or I could move myself out into the middle of fucking nowhere and go off grid…or hey invent a magic potion that enables me to go to sleep and wake up when this is all over.
What a luxury those choices would be!
But alas, if we all did that, those fuckers , ahem, hurting people who are hurting others would win and we can’t have that. I WON’T have that! Onward I go. I just need to be all dramatic about it first ❤
If you need to take a break from it all , take that break! If you need to scream for an hour in a field…SCREAM! If you need to do nothing but blast your favourite music and pull weeds furiously, do that!
Let’s just make sure we meet back here in a little bit and regroup 🙂
I have been nominated for the Sunshine Blogger Award, by Allan at: PhotoBlography. This award is peer recognition for bloggers that inspire positivity and joy.
It’s super de duper nice to be recognized as such!
Thanks again, Allan. It was really fun and I’m touched that you thought of me.
Allan takes the most beautiful photographs of all the interesting places he goes and the fun stuff he gets up to. He writes poems too and has a great sense of humour! Plus, he’s a kind and decent human being. Do yourself a favour and go check him out!
Here is how this all works:
Thank the blogger and provide a link to their site.
Put Award logo on your blog.
Answer 11 questions.
Nominate 11 other bloggers.
Give them your 11 questions and enjoy!
Allan’s questions-which were his nominator’s questions too- and my answers:
If you knew you would die tomorrow, except crying or whatsoever, what you would do or say? It would all depend on the circumstance of my death. Am I to fall suddenly incapacitated and require a soft surface for which to lay upon, because I am unable to do much? In that case, I’d gather my family and friends all around me as I lay on a bed overlooking the front window and eat and drink all the things, and laugh and talk and listen to music before I shooed everyone off so I could write in my journal and write notes to my loved ones and then, I would go to sleep, curious about what was still to come….
If, I was able to keep my vigor, I would head out into the wild for a hike, friends and family included. We’d stop for meals and lounging and then when I grew weary, I’d lay myself down and listen to the life around me, say my goodbyes and then meditate until I died, fell asleep or both 🙂
This is such a great question because it brings up a dilemma for me. I don’t want to be writing out notes while I’m dying! Maybe that’s something I need to do now…this is good Death Doula stuff!
Why do you like blogging?
Blogging is an outlet for my mind. A way to express myself creatively with words. I enjoy meeting new people, from the great vastness of our world. I enjoy their different views of the world. I soak up a lot of inspiration and wisdom. I learn about new things. I am insanely curious about everything. Blogging allows me to quench that in a safe, socially acceptable nosey way 😉
If you had to give up something in your life, what would it be?
Certainly not this song…
Do you believe in love?
I AM love. YOU are LOVE. So, yes. I do. I think our society focuses on romantic love waaaaay to much, often to our own detriment. If I had to do it all over again, I’d work on loving myself first, from a young age and then worry about the rest of it all later, if at all. It’d be really, REALLY nice if we would love our EARTH and her creatures with a respectful fervent devotion, too.
If you won the lottery today, what’s the first thing you do?
Pee my pants! Ha Ha. Seriously I would probably pace nervously, call the husband and then freak out until the money was safely in my bank account. Once I calmed down, I would book a trip somewhere so I could just be and allow the wisdom to come to me about what to do and then, using that wisdom I’d set up my life, and my family. I know for certain what I would buy first, which I think is really what this questions asks. I would buy a small house on a plot of land (big enough to sustain a living) by the ocean, in my name and my name only. I would then set up a trust to ensure there is always money to maintain said house and I would bequeath it down the line to the daughter’s in my family. It will be a safe haven for my female ancestors, forever more.
Do you forgive a betrayal or adultery if you’re married?
Ha! Been there. Done that. Or rather, doing that. I could write a book on this. And I may one day, my journals tell a tale, yikes. So, it’s not adultery I dealt with but it was a betrayal. I often say I sometimes WISH it had been adultery because at least then I’d know how to deal with that. I have a very strong boundary against such things.
Anyway, my husband had a mental break and he did some things that were very hurtful. Because the catalyst of his actions were a mental break, and because up until then he had never been anything but an excellent husband, I decided with the encouragement and help of a trained professional ( which I HIGHLY recommend) to stick it out and see if this 20+ year marriage could be saved.
I’m STILL not sure how I feel about the whole thing, but I often say this: It’s not for the faint of heart.
And as I’m still in the midst of things, I really feel like I’m unable to say anything about the subject with any wisdom or authority. Some days I soar, some days I really struggle.
I’m not unhappy. I’m not suffering. I’m living my life, mostly with joy, in the now, and taking it day by day. I believe in second chances. I don’t do thirds. So, to answer the question, I think it all depends on the circumstances, and it’s an ongoing, ever changing process that I hope none of you ever have to go through or put anyone else through either! ❤
Tell me why someone should be close to you or be friends with you? (even if you don’t give a shit)
If I was to sell myself to people I would say that I am the kind of person who wont give up on you, even when things get hard. I’m generally a bright light. I am fiercely protective and encouraging. You will not be ALLOWED to continuously talk shit about yourself in my presence 🙂 ❤ I bring a sense of whimsy and fun, I’m curious about everything and game for anything. I will support all your loves and interests and be as excited for them as you are AND I’m a great baker/cook. So…you’ll eat well!
What you really love to read, that you can’t stop or ever feel bored?
Memoirs and recipe books! I’m actually reading a book right now, that’s a memoir AND a recipe book! (Picnic in Provence. A Memoir with Recipes. Elizabeth Bard ) I’ve always loved reading about the lives of other humans. They don’t need to famous or known for anything, I love them all the same. Sometimes, the more ordinary the better because here’s the thing; THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ORDINARY! Every.single.person out there has a unique story to tell. I enjoy learning what that unique thing is. As for cookbooks: I like to eat!
What makes you happy?
All the things. Too many to accurately recount here. Today it’s:
The thought of my squishy Hot Cross Bun I plan to have with lunch. Lune. Trips. Pie. Bird song. Feeling secure. Being inside on a blustery day. Solving a challenging problem.
Have you ever read a blog post that had a great impact on you?
Oh yes. I read those all the time. I think every blog post I read has an impact on me. Even if it doesn’t seem so at the time, who knows where it may lead me in the future?
Describe the person of your dreams, physically and mentally / emotionally.
Ha Ha Ha! Oh boy.
I don’t think such a being exists outside of oneself. Which yes, I guess that’s why we call them a “person of your dreams” because they don’t exist but still…I’m loathe to go there. I KNOW it’s only fantasy but it just seems so unfair, to both myself and other humans. Yes, I realize I’m putting waaay too much thought into this, ha! Were I forced at gunpoint to choose, I’d say any goofy, big old dog! Humans are, well … human. I just can’t think of them as anything but.
That was fun! I love giving my brain a good stir!
Any of you out there who wishes to play along! There is no way I could only choose eleven of you. You ALL inspire positivity and joy, otherwise I wouldn’t have you in my life! ❤ ❤
Here are your questions. Some are the same, some are different. You may choose to use them as you wish.
If you knew you would die tomorrow, how would you proceed with the rest of your life?
What do you think about pineapple on pizza?
Why do you like blogging?
What do you wish to have done with your body when you die? Why?
Would you forgive a betrayal or adultery in your romatic relationship?
Who, besides your own self, is your favourite person,dead, alive, known to you or otherwise and why?
What is your first memory as a child?
What is one thing you thought you couldn’t do but did and made yourself proud?
When are you most content?
Have you travelled? Where?
What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever eaten?
Link back to me, if you chose to play. This Nosey Parker wants to see your responses!
Thanks for reading! Happy Friday and enjoy the hell out of your weekend!
You might not be able to tell at this present time but I have used to have a hard lacquered shell over my heart.
I grew it myself over the years in response to:
A. Being born a highly sensitive person.
B. Experiencing both ongoing and sudden trauma.
My hard shell has served me well. ( POETRY!) It was a necessary tool I used to protect myself. It gave me a feeling of power, control, comfort and safety.
It helped me as I built resilience and courage. It helped me as I cultivated my fierce sense of honesty, authenticity and integrity.
And then it started working against me and cut me off from intimacy and truth , truth. Connection and freedom.
It be like that sometimes.
Lucky for me, my hard shell was actually a fragile thing. It was smashed to the ground and shattered a few years ago.
That event left me shocked and reeling. Unable to hide. Exposed.
It was awful.
But it was also awesome because I kind of “levelled up” if you will. I grew exponentially within myself. Something that would have never happened had I been wearing that really tight and limiting shell.
I was forced to finally admit that I while, yes, I am still a bad ass. I am not all that tough. I actually do have feelings. LOTS OF THEM.
I have a very squishy heart. My insides are full of marshmallow fluff.
Most people saw through my tough act anyhow. I wasn’t really hiding anything. Mostly I just made a fool out of myself, ha ha.
I was as human as anybody else!
So, I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve had to learn how to show my heart, how to live through my heart and how to protect myself as needed, by other means. (Boundary setting and lots of self love)
This whole blog is an expression of living through my heart!
Being vulnerable still scares me of course and it still takes lots of work to stick with. That’s where really where my strength lies. That’s really where my toughness is. Because while my heart is soft and marshmellowy, while it’s squishy and silly, it is also stubborn and fierce and brave.
What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Is it easy for you? Do you cringe too? What does vulnerability mean to you?
When I was going through a very bad thing a few years ago, it became very apparent to me and ALL OTHERS that I really needed to do some work on my self worth. Realizing I had it, cultivating more of it, and nurturing it every day, forever more.
People tried to explain it to me and for lots of reasons I just couldn’t get it. It wasn’t sinking in. The problem I believe is that I was looking at it from a logical view point and logic while nice, is not my usual go to method of existing in the world. I need magic and whimsy. I need metaphors and stories. I need imagery and symbolism.
So I struggled and struggled but I kept on trying. In my trying I had many conversations with the people in my life about the subject and one of them was life changing.
“It’s like this” my supervisor said to me. This supervisor being a very strong, confident person of imposing bearing ” I know that no matter what’s happening, I AM the BOSS.” Stretching her bulk up straighter and throwing her shoulders back she continued ” I am the Queen!” She laughed, tossing her hair back as she strutted around the room. ” And I treat myself as such! Always. Without exception. I also don’t allow others to treat me badly because I know that I.Am.The.Boss in my life”
This woman really identified with being a boss. So much so that she went a little overboard and could be extremely overbearing. But there was wisdom in her words. I would never be comfortable with calling myself “boss” even though that’s an apt description but queen…queen was something I could definitely use!
And use it I did. It took awhile and there were many more conversations about self worth and self love, many more discoveries, lessons and realizations but I finally GOT IT and now the word Queen has great meaning to me. It spawned the huge realization in me that I really do LOVE MYSELF. I really do TRUST MYSELF.
I am a dignified Queen. That became my core mantra and soothing balm for all things. I bought myself a crown ring …
and charm for my bracelet..
so I would never forget.
There’s a tattoo in the works to literally drill it into me, ha ha.
I have to tell you, the day my husband bought me this:
I felt like the lesson I learned and the progress I’d made was visible to others too. Yahoo!
Self love/worth is an on going thing. It’s the continuing relationship between you and you. It’s your most important relationship and I’m so grateful for the lessons I learned, even if they did come late, because…wow, I feel so much lighter in this world and very queenly 😉
Do you have a word that signifies your own self worth? Please share! And if you’re struggling please know that you really are a person of worth, no matter what, simply by being alive! ❤
I started going white, just in the front, when I was 21. I dyed my hair at first even though I really liked my white streak. Why? Peer pressure mostly. I didn’t want to look “old” because old was something that was frowned upon. Grey hair on a younger person meant I had given up on myself somehow. Dying the grey out meant I was “fighting” growing old.
This idea is HILARIOUS to me! Like dying my hair somehow hid me from the Grim Reaper. Like dying my hair showed I was doing my best to stay alive or something. Like dying my hair made me immortal.
I eventually decided to stop and embrace my grey and now I’m grey on purpose.
Seriously. I’m not grey enough to have a full head of it yet, so I put in light streaks and my hairdresser and I have been toning the shit out of my hair to get it match the natural tinsel that’s growing in.
It’s glorious and very freeing. I LOVE my hair, the greyer and whiter it gets, the better. My work kids tease me and say “You look like a Grandma!” which makes me laugh as I say ” I AM a Grandma! And Grandmas are the BEST kind of people!” We gotta teach these little ones young.
It wasn’t easy to get to this age positive, grey positive place. There was pushback from friends, hairdressers, society of course. My husband even, in not so many words of course. I wield a mean frying pan plus.. divorce.
But I was angry and I was defiant so I pushed through that NONSESNE fueled by one little experience that shaped a whole portion of my life.
My father in law, in one of the few times he ever made me angry, said this of an elderly neighbour lady:
” Have you seen Wilma’s hair?! It’s so long and scraggly. Grey too. She needs to cut and dye it. She looks like an old sea hag!”
A nasty comment, right? Usually I was able to let his misogynistic B.S. float in one ear and out the other, but there was something about this time, or maybe it was something about me at that time , that didn’t allow that happen.
That comment circulated in my brain as I watched this lady out in her garden enoying life and hurting nobody. How DARE he judge her like that? What gave HIM the right to decide what she did with her f8cking hair? Hadnt she earned the right at her age to do whatever the f8ck she wanted?! And why was it ok for him to be OLD and have GREY hair but not her? Dad wasn’t that much younger than Wilma, did he forget that fact or was this a judgement only reserved for women?
Oooooh, I was mad!
I turned to him, eyes blazing I’m sure and said ” I think it’s beautiful! It’s HER hair and she wasn’t placed on earth to please you. ”
Silence. Dad was known for being an asshole when challenged and not many were brave enough to do it.
He raised an eyebrow and I forged on, my mind made up in an instant ” I HOPE I look like her when I’m that age. You may call ME a Sea WITCH!”
And that was that.
I would have my grey hair. I would wear it proudly in PROTEST of all our stupid cultural beliefs and expectations. And f8ck anyone who tries to tell me differently.
Have any of you read the Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson? There’s Netflix series of the same name…???
In the book, a group of people hole up in a haunted house and aim to do an investigation of sorts and all kinds of weird shit goes down. The brilliance of the story is that one never really knows if the hauntings of place and people are true hauntings or the results of a mental disorder. It’s creepy, thought provoking stuff.
When I read it I was shook! It reminded me of something that happens to ME, every Autumn.
DO I live in a Haunted House…..???? !!!
Ha. I wish I was so lucky!
As the Summer light fades to a brilliant Fall, a change comes over me. I know its coming and try my best to stop it but somehow how it always gets me! S.A.D. Seasonal Affective Disorder, known usually as Seasonal Depression.
Even with the typical treatment you hear about, light therapy, vitamins, diet and exercise, cognitive therapy…I turn from my normal cheery, positive self to a hate filled monster. The physical symptoms are bad enough, aches and pains. Low energy. Sleep issues. What bothers me the most is the change to ME. I fixate on people and things in a hateful way. I decide that they are JUST THE WORST and spend all of September and October despising everything and everyone, until I pop up again for air in mid November and realize I’ve been overtaken again.
It all feels so normal when I’m in it. I really believe the things I’m thinking are true and valid. Thank Goddess for self control and clarity. And to all of you suffering with a year long depression disorder. High Five for making it through the everyday.
BUT when I came up for air this past November, I found something very helpful. I don’t even remember where I heard about it … Micro dosing with melatonin. One takes a wee amount, in the late afternoon, like 1mg and carries on like usual. It doesn’t make you sleepy but it does help with circadian misalignment which is a major part of SAD.
I haven’t tried it through the worst of my seasonal depression but I did notice a positive change when I did in November. I felt better over all, both physically and mentally. I felt lighter and brighter and the usual “last hurrah” of illness that strikes me in February, didn’t make an appearance. That’s pretty amazing since I’ve been dealing with this since I was a child. The true test will be this Autumn and I am ever hopeful! I’m going to take when I notice Summer fade to Fall in addition to all my other treatments. Check back with me here, around mid November for an update!