New Year, New Ramble

More like New Year, New Flu!

I’m actually sick! With the Flu of all things!

I was fine -and contagious- when I went out for lunch and a movie- Little Women- with a friend on Friday. ( Great movie!)

I was fine on Saturday morning while I started my new art project.

And then suddenly I was not!

Uh oh!

The good news is my magic potion is helping and while I’m sick and incapacitated it’s not as horrible as it could be. Aside from the fever, coughing and a very sore throat, the ick has been most manageable. I’m even enjoying the forced rest and I’ve been feeling nothing but gratitude that my symptoms are on the milder side.

It seems to be settling into my chest now which is preferable to my head so it’s ALL GOOD! I’d much rather cough than have a headache even if coughing is the reason I’m awake at this hour.

I did get to watch Bake Off though, and here I am rambling away so it’s not wasted time!

How was your New Year? Did you celebrate?

We had the Little Miss over and that was sure fun. We played games and lit sparklers and everyone was in bed before midnight, ha!

BUT we went for a New Year’s hike the next day-if you follow me on Instagram you’d know this, she says passive aggressively- and I was most proud of myself because I walked on the ice bravely and it was worth the initial fear and anxiety to get out there and start the year off in Nature.

Anyway:

Ha!

Here, this is a nicer one:

And now I’m going to make coffee and play games until the fatigue that’s settling in forces me back to bed! Good Morning and Happy Monday!

New Year. Same Awesome You.

Happy New Year!

I love the fresh start of a new year but I detest all that “New Year, New You” bullshit.

It feels violent towards the self.

It feels like – YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! FIX YOURSELF!- and I’ve gotta tell you, I’ve already wasted TOO MANY of my good years on that scam. I’m not doing it anymore. I just can’t.

How can I claim to love who I am and then try and change who I am?

It just doesn’t make sense to me.

I am a perfect being of…light…energy…spirit…whatever you want to call it, and YOU ARE TOO!

Yes, I’m yelling. I feel strongly about this one.

It just seems like such a waste of precious time. We only get so long to live and I don’t want to waste it bullying myself with a hate campaign disguised as self improvement.

So instead I use this time of year to refocus and refresh.

I choose a word that I use as a guidepost throughout the year and my 2020 word is:

FLOW

Flow came to me over the Summer. I was enjoying life, flitting from one thing to another without an anxious thought or judgement. Simply living in the moment, mindful of the moment and nothing else. I had been in flow for about a month before realizing what it was and because it felt so good, I thought it’d make a good word for the next year.

So here I am, in flow.

This word serves as a reminder to let things go. To focus on what is at hand. To let the thoughts come and go as they will. To take each second as it comes with full acceptance. To step into the flow of life with gratitude for the experience and see where it takes me.

I’m excited for this one! It feels like freedom.

Do you choose a word to start off your year? Care to care?!

How about resolutions? I found a really great take on resolutions here for those of you who like to make them.

May your 2020 be everything you wish for ❤

Thank You 2019!

Thank you for my word of the year: Trust, a word that really came in handy when situations got foggy or hard or were simply unknown. I was able to let go of it all and put my trust in the greater good. It was a word that encouraged me to set aside anxiety, to set aside the Universal Remote and relax into uncertainty.

Thank you for these two human creatures:

Two great little kids who bring me nothing but love and lessons, silly fun and a squishy heart.

Thank you for my dream animal encounter:

This Raven left a group of people who were feeding him, all the way down the parking lot to our truck, to hang out with ME.

Whaaaaaat?!!!

I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!

Ha Ha Ha. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven!

THEN, his mate flew in from a tree somewhere, for a visit too!

They were both super bold, not aggressive just unbothered by our humanness. At times they was SO close to me I could have reached out and touched them. I didn’t though, out of respect for the moment. I thought the female was going to hop on my shoulder t one point, she just kept moving closer and closer! But I guess she was respecting the moment too.

We chit chatted in English and Raven for quite awhile, close to 30 mins before they fly into the trees for a snooze. Dream come true!

Thank you 2019 for the MIRENA IUD:

For all your hormone-y goodness that helps me live a normal life every month. Life changer. This seems funny to me to include on this list and hell, it may seem weird to you but when one has lived as I have lived, one is inclined to give thanks where thanks is due!

Thank you 2019 for March 18. The first day after Winter I was able to go for a walk without a jacket and be comfortable! Three more months to go ❤

Thanks for BOOKS. GLORIOUS BOOKS!

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

And libraries too ❤

I read 133 books in 2019 beating my Reading Challenge by 8 books. Woot Woot! My goal for next year shall be…hmmmm….135 bookeroos!

Last but not least:

Thanks 2019 for all the lovely humans who pass by my little corner of the Universe by way of this place on the Interwebs.

That’s YOU!

Photo by Karley Saagi on Pexels.com

If you’ve ever read, liked, commented or met me in real life, you’ve had a positive impact on me and I thank you! I feel extremely lucky to be surrounded by so many intelligent, kind, fun and thoughtful people and I appreciate you SO MUCH.

Here’s to a kind and compassionate 2020.

May we be peaceful, happy, well, safe and free from suffering.

Love & Squishy Hugs.

2019’s Biggest Lesson

Remember when I went to Tanzania, started to write about it, then never finished?

Ha Ha Ha!

It’s coming. Truly.

Truly,truly, truly!

I brought something back from Tanzania that was far greater than stories and photos and I will actually share that with you today.

For real.

No kidding.

I’m not even lying.

I’m not really a goal oriented person. I’m happy to live my life, floating along this way and that. Travelling to Tanzania was the ONE thing in my life that I wanted to do.

I wanted to see the animals and the landscape. I wanted to bask in the beauty and the wonder of a place that was so different from my home. I imagined doing so would bring magic and meaning into my life and the experience was most magical. My time there was positive and special and full of meaning and emotion.

And then* poof* it was gone.

I lived every moment of that time. I was the most mindful muthafucka there ever was ! I squeezed out every last drop of experience I could. I let the whole thing sink into my very being and when I got home life was the same as it ever was.

One minute I was there, the next I was not. One minute I was surrounded by magic, the next it was like I’d never even gone. (Did I go? I mean I know I have the photos…)

After the post trip depression cleared and I got my working brain back I was struck by the greatest piece of wisdom I’ve gained this year.

I think I’d come back from a fun weekend with family. It might have been Miss. Sassafras’s dance recital, when my mum in law was in town and my family enjoyed dinner together and lots of love and laughs.

It might have been when I had my goodbye chat with Carolyn. When it became really clear that she was not going to outwit cancer, she was not going to live with it as a chronic condition. She was going to die. And she was going to die soon.

It might have even been a day when I was sitting on my porch in the sun having a chit chat with a wild crow.

I don’t know. But it came and it grabbed me and it stuck. I am ever grateful.

The Big Moments are fleeting. They do not last.

You might think they will because they GIGANTIC but they slip right through the hands. They may be grand and spectacular but in the scheme of all things, they are just small compared to this:

The seemingly small bits in the everyday that become HUGE. These are the things that add up, to make up a life. These are the things that matter. That count. These are the things that stick with you and glow far brighter than the big moments.

A smile from a loved one. Their smell, their laugh. Going out for coffee with a friend, your partner making you a cup of tea. Family dinners, neighbourhood walks. Birds chirping, the furnace roaring to life in the dead of Winter.

The small bits of the every day are the things that sustain us , without us even knowing and become what matter most in the end.

Go and do the big things

Then come home and make a good life, in all it’s perfectly ordinary, spectacular glory. Really focus on that.

Home, family and friends.

That’s where it’s at.

According to me 🙂

What’s been your greatest lesson of 2019? What did your Inner Wise Owl tell you? Won’t you share?

❤ Love & Squishy Hugs.

Gingerbread Everything.

Breakfast time

Quinoa flakes? Check!

Pomegranate? Check!

Almonds? Check!

Delicious Gingerbread Truffle from Purdy’s? CHECK!!

I’m obsessed with all things Gingerbread this holiday season and life is damn tasty.

You need yourself some tasty too! Luckily I’ve done extensive research and have come up with three offerings you may like!

As I mentioned Purdy’s makes a Gingerbread Truffle:

Aren’t they darling!? Look at those wee gingerbreads…SQUEEE! The flavour is complex and they’ve got little crispy bits all throughout the soft and luscious truffle centre. They come in milk chocolate and dark -if you choose the dark, you’re also getting anti oxidants!) and are totally worth the $12.00 you’ll pay for them.

I also bought their eggnog truffles…meh. Actually…ick! I didn’t read the fine print when I ordered them because I thought- Oh eggnog, they’ll taste like that!- Yeah….more like rum and eggnog. I hate rum! Oh well, live and learn.

The Hubs ordered Sweet Georgia Browns and oh my GODDESS, those are a thing of joy and beauty. I made him take them to work with him because I didn’t trust myself not eat all his treats, ha!

The first gingerbread yum I ate this season was a treat most unusual:

Handmade by Sweet Chaos, this spiced kettle corn with icing drizzle can be found at Save On Foods. The frosting drizzle makes this! The popcorn is well made, soft and lightly spiced and then you get one with a bit of that drizzle and OH MY. The contrast between wet and dry is really fun to eat.

Next on our list is Ritter Sport Spiced Biscuit:

Mmmmm. It doesn’t say Gingerbread but this is Gingerbread. The chocolate coating is gingerbread spiced, the cookie is like a spiced Digestive biscuit and the mousse is gingerbready too. I can’t remember what I paid for this-I do remember it was higher than I normally would- but in the end, totally worth it. The flavour is a little bit fancier than the usual gingerbread we’re used to. It’d be worth checking out just for that.

What is your favourite flavour this season?

Melatonin Update- Part Three

This post is part of my experience with using melatonin as an aid to lessen the negative side effects of Seasonal Depression Disorder. You can read previous posts HERE and HERE.

We’re moving into the depth of Winter darkness and I thought now would be a great time to do another update on how the micro dosing with melatonin is working for me and the S.A.D.

My hope is to offer a real time testimonial for fellow sufferers and shed some light upon the condition for everyone else.

More specifically, for anyone who needs to be educated because while most people have a clue and are decent, I think there are still people out there who think depression is something that can be willed away with positive thinking and essential oils.

October was excellent. Historically this is a challenging month but I got through it amazing well. SO well in fact that I was simultaneously thrilled for myself and relieved as the calendar switched over. Suck it October! You didn’t win this time!

November was going on swimmingly as well until Carolyn died and the last week or so of the month was a challenge. Grief is not the same as S.A.D. and feeling all the feels is to be expected. I miss her dearly and am angry that cancer took her but I’m so grateful that she was in my life and am happy her suffering is over. I feel sad but I don’t feel SAD, ya know?

S.A.D wise I was still going good. Light moods, full acceptance of the weather- I even found myself ENJOYING IT!- I was living each day, as it was, in the moment.

Photo by Anthony on Pexels.com

December. Oh dark December. We’re what … nine days in..and I am feeling it!

It’s so dark! I can’t seem to get enough light, no matter how many times I go out in the sun or how many lights I turn on in the house. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even put on my sunglasses because I’m trying to get as much light into my body as I can.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

And my brain is SO foggy. I keep cleaning my glasses thinking they are the culprit -maybe its burnt corneas, heh- but the feeling persists. It’s not my eyes, its my brain.

Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

I find I’m also unable to take my thoughts and turn them into words, spoken or written. I have the thoughts and the ideas, I just cant get them out. I’m still able to read – THANK YOU GODDESS-but writing and communicating is a bit of a challenge. My Hubs who loves the quiet is even giving me sideways looks because I’m so inward. I feel like I’m sort of trapped behind this gauzy veil that actually made of steel or something. Boooooo!!

Having said all that, the melatonin is still working. I take it every day-plus my vitamin D- and I am still doing better than I have been in years past.

I know right?! I’d say through October and November I was operating at around 95%. I still had to do the work- self care, good brain hygiene – but it was easy enough to do and I had clarity and way more good days than bad. Win, win win!

December is proving to be more of a challenge as the light fades away but I’m still doing WAY BETTER than I have in the past. I am operating at 75%.

The challenges I’m facing are not consistent every day. I do have GOOD days.

I’m planning Yule festivities with excitement instead of dread.

I’m still exercising. Even when I don’t want to.

Instead of being mean to myself about not writing or being social, I’m able to recognize that it’s not me being a flaky ass, it’s my brain doing its thing and eventually that symptom will go away and I’ll be at it again once more.

I’m able and willing to engage in good self care and I’m still deriving pleasure from most of the things I love.

I have peace, calm and wisdom and while visual and verbal/typed clarity is a challenge, I still have mental clarity and as anybody with depression of any kind knows, that is huge!

So despite December’s darkness the melatonin is still helping and my brain health has improved with it.

The light starts to come back soon and before you know it we’ll be on the upswing to Spring with light, glorious light! Ha Ha. I’ll do an update again in February.

Love, Squishy Hugs and a Happy Monday to YOU! ❤

F*ck Up Friday – Caught Ya!

Today’s F up, isn’t mine for once!

Let’s pause to celebrate this!

Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

If this was my job, the sign would read – It’s Been One Day Without A Work Place Accident

With all the recent crime in the neighbourhood I’ve been half excepting to come home and find some crook either climbing my locked gate or coming out of my locked yard. I fantasize about what I’d do- whip out my phone, take their photo, call the 5-0 – and what I’d do to them – Create a huge noisy ruckus and chase them away! OR, detain them (expertly, of course) until the cops arrive – It’s all great fun to imagine WHAT IF and it’s my favourite fantasy of the moment, because I am always the hero, ha.

Photo by Porapak Apichodilok on Pexels.com

The hilarious thing is this JUST HAPPENED, only not exactly the way I’d imagined.

I’m trip tropping down the walk, home from a lovely meet up with two very lovely humans and what do I see as I approach my home? The mail carrier on the far side of my yard, hopping the fence!

(Most ackwardly too. It was quite the task for him. )

Whaaaaat? I think to myself, more curious than anything else. I know right away he’s not there to rob me, that wouldn’t smart of him, especially as he’s in uniform and I see him every day! So I continue on to my door and there he is, holding a package. Caught and flustered, ha!

“Did you make a mistake?” I ask. “Yep!” he replies. It seems he tossed the package over the fence onto my porch, realized he’d delivered it to the wrong house and then couldn’t get the package back because of my HIGH SECURITY SYSTEM:

Photo by eyeball3000 on Pexels.com

” I knocked on your window” he continues on ” But obviously you weren’t home. SO I hopped the fence. Got the dogs barking. I’m sorry! My name’s redacted to protect the honest and awkward. I’m your new carrier. I’m just learning the route!”

Ohh man, did I feel bad for him! We chatted for a bit, he thanked me for my understanding and we had a good laugh about it all. Although, I know the dude is probably just cringing inside, ha ha ha.

I got a huge kick out the whole thing and I’m grateful that while my fantasy kind of came true, it came true in a much more positive way! And I still got to be the hero! ❤

Have you made any mistakes this week? We all have our squirmy moments, I’m sure! Share them, in the interest of comradery and casting light onto shadows!