A-Z Challenge- Toxicity

When I went no contact with my dysfunctional family 12+ years ago I was hoping that at some point, my sister and I would eventually be able to have a healthy relationship.

I imagined we’d come together effortlessly. Our relationship would be one born of growth and healthy behaviors. It would be “normal”.

My issue wasn’t with her so much as it was with the woman who gave birth to me. And even though there were problems between us, I chalked it up to her level of maturity. I thought she’d grow and gain clarity and do her best to unlearn the negative behaviors and coping skills we both had. Armed with our new skills we’d live happily ever after.

Ha Ha Ha!

I’m such a dreamer.

What I did not know was how deep the level of toxicity would be for a person continuing to live within that dysfunction.

I haven’t lived within it for years. I’ve been able to untangle things, to heal, to grow and develop a beautiful healthy life.

She has not.

It’s strange because she never seemed bothered by any of the mess. She was way better at letting things slide off her back.

The years and toxicity take their toll and do their damage anyway. Just because a person seems to be doing well doesn’t meant they are.

Every so often she messages me – drunk- and tries to start things up again but I just can’t. I’ve worked too hard to create the life and maintain the positive mental state that I have.

When I dreamed my little sisterly dream so many years ago, I did not know that I’d choose the opposite. And it would feel right for me. I did not know that I’d choose peace, with firmness and love.

17 thoughts on “A-Z Challenge- Toxicity

  1. Lael, I knew you and I were kindred spirits right off the bat, and when I read your post today, it reinforces that feeling. Know you are not alone in having to make those choices when it comes to family. It’s an insoluble dilemma and the pain never really ever goes away because it’s not supposed to be like this — but it is. {{{HUGS}}}

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  2. This can be a very hard choice to make. I have managed to let go of the toxicity with just occasional contact with the members of my older generation. Now with changes in circumstances and life situations, one particularly toxic family member is managing to draw the others in to her chaos. It is likely that I will have to accept what they have let her create, or let go of them all over again. I am not happy about this, but can not go back to what I used to be.

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  3. We all have dreams that we can turn the abnormal into our normal, but in the end, we can’t. We can only choose our path. My wife’s family is a lot like yours for a variety of reasons, but mostly due to the father. We went almost an entire year without hearing from him and then the phone rang and our stomachs were in knots. No worries, he did not want anything more than for us to do his bidding. No How are you? How are the kids? Just, I need you to do something for me. It happened again yesterday, only it was now 2 things. We could both feel the tug of the hook as he tried to reel us back in and then the line snapped and we were swimming away. Ahhhhh, family. Stay well Lael. Allan

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 Family indeed.
      YES, you describe it so well. The tug of the hook…I’m so happy for you both that you’re able to swim away. ❤ Your father in law sounds a lot like my friend's mother, only she jumps to do her bidding, thinking she might finally get some love…nope. Just more demands. May we all just keep on swimming away 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing. I love knowing I'm not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear friend, how inspiring for others that you are an advocate for your own health. Listening to your heart you made a decision hoping for change for the better in the future. Imagining the alternative would be that you had lived unhappily, unhealthily all this time, poisoning yourself. I imagine you have much empathy for those that have all kinds of struggle and your strength and story connects with others. – You go and you keep going strong girl. Wonder Woman before the movies became a hit! – David

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you have to embrace e toxicity . But a time will come when you will overcome your differences or rather get together despite the differences . I’ve seen it happen in any number of families . There’s no grand reconciliation but an acceptance of the other person warts and all .

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