We’re moving into the depth of Winter darkness and I thought now would be a great time to do another update on how the micro dosing with melatonin is working for me and the S.A.D.
My hope is to offer a real time testimonial for fellow sufferers and shed some light upon the condition for everyone else.
More specifically, for anyone who needs to be educated because while most people have a clue and are decent, I think there are still people out there who think depression is something that can be willed away with positive thinking and essential oils.
October was excellent. Historically this is a challenging month but I got through it amazing well. SO well in fact that I was simultaneously thrilled for myself and relieved as the calendar switched over. Suck it October! You didn’t win this time!
November was going on swimmingly as well until Carolyn died and the last week or so of the month was a challenge. Grief is not the same as S.A.D. and feeling all the feels is to be expected. I miss her dearly and am angry that cancer took her but I’m so grateful that she was in my life and am happy her suffering is over. I feel sad but I don’t feel SAD, ya know?
S.A.D wise I was still going good. Light moods, full acceptance of the weather- I even found myself ENJOYING IT!- I was living each day, as it was, in the moment.
December. Oh dark December. We’re what … nine days in..and I am feeling it!
It’s so dark! I can’t seem to get enough light, no matter how many times I go out in the sun or how many lights I turn on in the house. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even put on my sunglasses because I’m trying to get as much light into my body as I can.
And my brain is SO foggy. I keep cleaning my glasses thinking they are the culprit -maybe its burnt corneas, heh- but the feeling persists. It’s not my eyes, its my brain.
I find I’m also unable to take my thoughts and turn them into words, spoken or written. I have the thoughts and the ideas, I just cant get them out. I’m still able to read – THANK YOU GODDESS-but writing and communicating is a bit of a challenge. My Hubs who loves the quiet is even giving me sideways looks because I’m so inward. I feel like I’m sort of trapped behind this gauzy veil that actually made of steel or something. Boooooo!!
Having said all that, the melatonin is still working. I take it every day-plus my vitamin D- and I am still doing better than I have been in years past.
I know right?! I’d say through October and November I was operating at around 95%. I still had to do the work- self care, good brain hygiene – but it was easy enough to do and I had clarity and way more good days than bad. Win, win win!
December is proving to be more of a challenge as the light fades away but I’m still doing WAY BETTER than I have in the past. I am operating at 75%.
The challenges I’m facing are not consistent every day. I do have GOOD days.
I’m planning Yule festivities with excitement instead of dread.
I’m still exercising. Even when I don’t want to.
Instead of being mean to myself about not writing or being social, I’m able to recognize that it’s not me being a flaky ass, it’s my brain doing its thing and eventually that symptom will go away and I’ll be at it again once more.
I’m able and willing to engage in good self care and I’m still deriving pleasure from most of the things I love.
I have peace, calm and wisdom and while visual and verbal/typed clarity is a challenge, I still have mental clarity and as anybody with depression of any kind knows, that is huge!
So despite December’s darkness the melatonin is still helping and my brain health has improved with it.
The light starts to come back soon and before you know it we’ll be on the upswing to Spring with light, glorious light! Ha Ha. I’ll do an update again in February.
Love, Squishy Hugs and a Happy Monday to YOU! ❤