Gah! Just typing the word skeeves me out.
You might not be able to tell at this present time but I have used to have a hard lacquered shell over my heart.
I grew it myself over the years in response to:
A. Being born a highly sensitive person.
B. Experiencing both ongoing and sudden trauma.
My hard shell has served me well. ( POETRY!) It was a necessary tool I used to protect myself. It gave me a feeling of power, control, comfort and safety.
It helped me as I built resilience and courage. It helped me as I cultivated my fierce sense of honesty, authenticity and integrity.
And then it started working against me and cut me off from intimacy and truth , truth. Connection and freedom.
It be like that sometimes.
Lucky for me, my hard shell was actually a fragile thing. It was smashed to the ground and shattered a few years ago.
That event left me shocked and reeling. Unable to hide. Exposed.
It was awful.
But it was also awesome because I kind of “levelled up” if you will. I grew exponentially within myself. Something that would have never happened had I been wearing that really tight and limiting shell.
I was forced to finally admit that I while, yes, I am still a bad ass. I am not all that tough. I actually do have feelings. LOTS OF THEM.
I have a very squishy heart. My insides are full of marshmallow fluff.
Most people saw through my tough act anyhow. I wasn’t really hiding anything. Mostly I just made a fool out of myself, ha ha.
I was as human as anybody else!
So, I’ve had to learn how to allow myself to be vulnerable. I’ve had to learn how to show my heart, how to live through my heart and how to protect myself as needed, by other means. (Boundary setting and lots of self love)
This whole blog is an expression of living through my heart!
Being vulnerable still scares me of course and it still takes lots of work to stick with. That’s where really where my strength lies. That’s really where my toughness is. Because while my heart is soft and marshmellowy, while it’s squishy and silly, it is also stubborn and fierce and brave.
What are your thoughts on vulnerability? Is it easy for you? Do you cringe too? What does vulnerability mean to you?